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Category: empathy

Placebo

We know the placebo effect. For those who are sick, sometimes even just pills that have nothing in them seems to do the trick.

The recent vaccination drives for Covid also has led people to talk about this. “I had no side effects whatsoever. Maybe I was just given saline, who knows, haha.”

There are many other placebos in life too.

Like the presence of a mother for her baby. The baby crawls a few steps ahead, and then turns back to check if the mom is looking. And then crawls forward again. The crawling is done by the baby only, not the mommy.

Keeping the light on, for someone afraid of the dark, is a similar example. What lurks in the dark would lurk in the light too. But the light gives comfort.

On calls, sometimes we can’t hear the other side clearly. And we let them know. And the other party after 5 seconds says, “Is it better now?”, without having done a thing.

Placebos abound, and they are good. Especially from a mental health point of view. Sometimes, many times, we cannot be of any real help. But just being there, even as a statue, if someone really needs us, that passive presence can make all the difference in the world to them.

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Critiques

Author Dale Carnegie of the bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People says “Criticize in private, but praise in public.” We saw this nearly a year ago here.

It might seem like obvious advice, but do not be fooled by its simplicity. Just recently, I was part of a call, which had one senior person pulling up several others for something not done by them. The big boss of many of those being picked on was also present on the call.

To be sure, the person pointing the finger was by no means wrong – he had his facts straight – the accused had been tardy, they had not done their work well, they had not informed their superiors about gaps in the information and so on.

But did any of that matter? Not one bit. The call quickly morphed into a verbal brawl, with people supporting themselves, and proving why they were right and then heaping accusations back and forth. Could have just had some nice popcorn on the side and …

But really, it is so hard to put this advice into practise I suppose. It might seem like it takes longer to have 1-on-1 calls with five people rather than just lambaste 5 people on one call. But the negative effects of that one badly organized call can be far worse, as was the case. Preferably, never criticize at all, but if it must be done, then it can be done with empathy, in private, with examples from one’s own life as well, and also leading by example. That would be true leadership.

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Quattro-manageria

According to Harvard Business Review, there are 4 types of Managers. These are Teacher, Cheerleader, Always-on and Connector.

Without knowing anything about these except their names, I’d have thought either the cheerleader or the teacher would be the best. Why? Because the cheerleader manager probably cheers you on, encourages you and appreciates your work. Great way to be motivated and move ahead don’t you think? While the teacher manager might be there to teach you whatever you need to know, and help in your learning process.

The definition of an always-on manager is one who available at any time for questions, feedback or even to just listen. But apparently it’s the connector manager who is the best of all the four.

The connector manager helps by making the most of his/her network – whether with another team member, partner, customer, friend etc. in order to expand the spectrum of teachers you have at your disposal. This is because such a manager realizes it’s impossible for one person to know everything.

The outcome? Apparently connector managers build the strongest, most effective teams, tripling the likelihood that direct reports will be high performers and boost employee engagement by 40%. Pretty impressive!

My takeaway is to try and live the life of a connector-manager for the benefit of everyone around me – irrespective of whether I manage a team at work or not. What do you think? How will you implement this? All suggestions welcome.

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Deconstruction

We hear the labourers chattering all day. The flyover near our house. It is getting constructed. It has been like this for two years now.

The daily noise – massive thuds, drilling machines ramming deep into the earth, the sounds of cranes and bulldozers, not to mention – the bright lights and sirens that flash even at 2 am. No matter the day – whether we have an important client call, or a Sunday morning off, or wish to sneak in a meditation session – the din sometimes is unbearable, chaotic and equally unloved by one and all.

But flip this over. These are men and women on a mission. Not to just construct a bridge, but to also construct their lives. Or rather to prevent it from deconstruction. How much can these daily wagers really earn? Hardly enough to make ends meet. And they need to send money back to their families in their villages too?

While we sleep in double glassed sound-proofed air-conditioned high-rises, these folks melt in the sun, puff in the dust, and sleep huddled in reprehensible accommodations. We can only think “When will this bridge get completed, so that my travel time in my luxury car can get cut in half.” They on the other hand, may never get a chance to use this bridge, or maybe only in an overcrowded bus in the sweltering heat. Soon after they are done here, they will be transported to yet another construction site, nearby, far away, who knows. It is always one day at a time.

Why could we not have been born into their place? We very well could have. We just got really lucky. Let us begin our day with gratitude for this fact.

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Giving like this

It is one thing to talk about selflessness and empathy and caring for others etc. While it is something else altogether to put this into practice, especially with irredeemable consequences.

85 year old Narayanrao Dabhadkar was immortalized in the last week of April 2021. Having experienced complications from COVID, his family took him to a nearby hospital. As is perhaps well known, oxygen, beds, remdesevir and other important treatment necessities have been in very short supply in India.

The family of this 85-year old man somehow got an ICU bed after running from pillar to post. But while waiting there, Mr. Narayanrao saw out the window and noted a young lady and her kids wailing and begging the hospital authorities to admit her 40-year old husband who was also infected by COVID and in a very bad state. Narayanrao immediately decided to relinquish his bed, and offered it to the lady. His thought process was, “I have lived a wonderful life to 85, now let the younger ones live.” He went home, no bed, minimal treatment, and passed away a few days later.

Many times we think twice about giving up an object that belongs to us. We don’t want to part with or share our living space, money, food, vehicles, books, cutlery, time and so many other things. This man parted with his life. If there is something to learn about selflessness, compassion and empathy, this is the real-life story that teaches it to me. May he rest in peace.

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Weight and watch

Is it possible to give someone specific advice without hurting them? Here is one example of how my Guru did it.

One of the satsangis had put on a lot of weight. Obviously this wasn’t good from a health point of view. Of course one could just tell her point blank, “Hey, you are fat, and this is unhealthy, please follow a strict diet and exercise plan, or else you will land up in a hospital one day.”

Although that is the truth, it is also a very harsh way of putting it across.

My Guru instead was generally chatting with the woman, on matters not even remotely related to health or fitness. And he just added at the end, “Hey do you see that other woman over there? She was telling me that she reduced 10 kilos in the last 3 months.” The lady’s ears immediately perked up and she asked, “Oh wow, how did she do that Guruji?” To which he replied, “1 spoon less, 5 minutes early.” (which means don’t do anything drastic like a crash diet because those are unsustainable, instead eat 1 spoon less and hit the sack 5 minutes earlier progressively)

That’s it – zero hurting and zero criticism!

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Free delivery

We are all getting more and more accustomed to food delivery – either on Swiggy or Zomato or Uber Eats and other similar services. We may have even seen many delivery executives zoom past on bikes or mopeds, as they hurry to fulfil their orders on time.

Usually, deliveries are well on time. A few days ago, there was a delivery guy who was about 10 minutes late. So I called him up and checked to see what he was up to, as his geolocation marker on the app had gone stationary. He immediately picked up, and apologized, and said that he got lost a bit and was coming soon. He enquired some directions with me, and then he was on his way he said. Another 8-10 minutes went by, and I was wondering why he would take so long given where his map was showing him.

He arrived a few minutes later at top speed and screeched to a halt, all sweaty. The reason? He was on a tiny bicycle, not a flashy bike or moped. No electricity / petrol to power him up. His legs probably got tired too, with multiple cycling trips this way. But he apologized again, and handed the parcel over with a big smile. Surely this is not his passion or calling – but he is doing this job to earn some side income – likely to make ends meet. But such a person is often at the receiving end of all sorts of abuses – with hungry and angry callers lambasting him.

We can all help such people by not just being nice to them, but also tipping them. And by more than just tiny amounts. One way, is to pay forward to them any discounts we would have received. At least in India, every payment option (credit card, pay later, netbanking etc.) offers plenty of discounts, free deliveries and cashbacks. I try to transfer all such savings/discounts as a tip to the delivery person. It’s the least we can do for their efforts in such trying circumstances (lockdowns).

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How to be

The grandfather has a blood pressure problem and is trying to get it cured. But it involves staying off a number of foods, which is very hard.

The grandmother has an ownership problem – what with so many activities but getting no credit from the family members.

The father has a time problem – stuck with office work all day, and also having to take nonsense from superiors and others to make ends meet, leaving him stressed and unable to spend time with his family. Not very different from the what the grandfather did once upon a time but not that long ago.

The mother has no life of her own – what with it being entirely devoted to her family. One or more of the kids (or even her husband) is always sick or wanting something else and she ends up always sacrificing, not very different from what the grandmother did once upon a time but not that long ago.

And the kids? Well they are growing up fast. But they too struggle in school, with peer pressure, at home with habits and chores, and with themselves too – having to deal with all sorts of insecurities.

From the outside, it might seem like everyone is always overestimating their problems. It’s easy to tell the grandpa/grandma/dad/mom/kids to just take a chill pill – and that things will settle down. That these are such simple issues that can easily be resolved. But then why do these feel so familiar? Why do we all go through these phases all the time?

It is because we have insufficient control over our minds. And this is not a condescending remark – rather one we should be empathetic about. Hence one of my favourite quotes. “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Hence be kind. Always.”

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So passionate

The whole world seems to be trying to find it’s passion. Everyone going to office to work is unhappy about something or the other. “Why am I even doing this? I wish I could be passionate about my job. I wish I could find my real calling in life.”

Most of the stories of people suddenly chancing upon their ‘passion’, and then becoming overnight stars are all horsecrap. The janitor who became a singing sensation on Somebody’s Got Talent? He practised his vocal chords off to the point of tearing them for only the past 30 years – and also kept his janitor job to boot. One day, as it would seem, his passion came calling.

We’ve to be clear about what passion is, and what inspiration is or excitement is. If looking at an artist do his work, or Steve Jobs or Elon Musk do theirs makes us want where they are, then we are only wanting the end result. It is unlikely we will have the perseverance and grit to even withstand their naysayers, let alone send rockets to distant planets. Everyone’s life is hard – to varying degrees of course, but the easiest way to make it easy, is to love thy work.

Whatever the work may be, if we can do it with 100% focus on the work, this very moment, without thinking of anything else, then the kind of quality we will give to our work will be unmatched. Also, if we give this kind of quality to our work for long periods of time, the same work will automatically be seen by others to be our passion. Finally, if we can add compassion to passion, that will take it to the next level.

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Bharatha 600BC

There is an awesome board game called Bharatha 600BC, created and released by a company called GoIndia Games. It’s quite unique because such games that are made in India are rare. The map of the game itself is beautiful – featuring ancient India from – you guessed it – 600 BC!

The game makes for fun family bonding time – especially offering a clean hour or three. ‘Clean’ meaning no screen diversions (mobiles, tablets, TVs etc) – wow is that even possible these days?

The board game has plenty of paths to victory – and one can use tact, strategy, battle, speed, rationing (i.e. hoarding) of resources, using special cards – you name it.

One interesting thing that happens when we play with my mother, is that she will never battle, and she will also always ‘give up’ resources for the rest of the family to win. “Oh, how can I battle my own son!”, or “You want resources, here take mine” – much to the groans of others “come on ma, this is supposed to be a competitive game – leave your familial bonds aside!”

While there are groans during the game, one must look behind the curtain. The motherly love kicks in with feelings of compassion overruling everything else – and not just during board games but even otherwise. What if we too can apply such compassion/empathy all the time. Just like the Guru does. Wouldn’t that be the true application of everything we learn in our scriptures?

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The one formula for success – part 3

Here’s an example of how to put yourself in someone else’s shoes – from a conversation between my Guru and I recently.

I had kept a vow for donating some money to Tirupati (a large and famous temple in south India) if some specific important event took place in my life. Like Guruji says, it is very important for everyone to set lofty goals, work towards them, pray for them, and if those goals are achieved, then unabashedly do something in return.

When said event did work out (miraculously!), it was time to keep up my end of the bargain. But I had a conflicting thought. Should I donate to Tirupati? Or should I donate to the cause of my Guru? So I asked my Guru. “If it’s just money, can I not give to your cause Guruji? Why Tirupati? Isn’t God and his money fungible?”

To which he had a wonderful answer, and such an answer is only possible if he put himself in my shoes. Because from his point of view, he has already realized Brahman and moksha and liberation, and to him these material differences do not matter!

But to me as one who is faaaaaaar away from such realized states, he said simply, “What if something bad happens tomorrow? Then it is possible I might connect the dots? That it is because I did not donate to Tirupati as planned but instead gave the money off to another cause, that there was a hole left to be plugged at Tirupati?” Instead my Guru told me to go and happily give to Tirupati, and then also pray to the Lord there to give me more money so that I can donate to the other causes with even more fervour. Win-win?

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The one formula for success – part 2

We saw yesterday how Dale Carnegie says there’s only one thing we need to do to be successful, whether in personal relationships or in a professional setting. And this is to put ourselves in other people’s shoes.

Sounds easy. Yes, but very hard to apply, isn’t it? What prevents us from viewing things from another’s perspective?

Adi Shankara in his commentary Vivekachoodamani, says that there is one and only one hurdle. The ego.

How to get rid of this ego? He says that there are 2 pillars to this ego.
1. Selfish desire
2. Selfish action

1 causes 2. and 2 reinforces 1. And the cycle repeats ad infinitum.

How to break out of this? By performing actions for others. Seva. Service. That’s the only way Adi Shankara says. The more we think for (not about) others and work for others, the less time we have to worry about ourselves, and the lesser the ego becomes, automatically.

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True greatness

Traditionally, we equate greatness to money, wealth, fame, riches, cars, bungalows, yachts, CEOs, Chairmen, senior management, foreign travel, foreign vacations, first and business class, limousines and a variety of other things.

But Martin Luther King Jr. had the final word on this.

Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.

He understood that greatness wasn’t about oneself, but how much one could use themselves for others.

No different from what Lord Krishna states in the Gita. As my Guru observes in the purport after chapter 13 verse 26 in his Amazing Simple Gita, “Many missions have realized that if we keep only the goal of realising the Lord we will tend towards laziness with only arguments and discussions. Prabhupad for example made it very clear that devotion means devotional service, chanting sixteen malas, trikala pooja etc is important but afterwards what will we be doing – we should be doing seva (service), spreading this knowledge, making more and more people noble and good.”

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Free size

Here’s the thing about self-help and spirituality. One size rarely fits all. The goal is the same – to attain moksha or liberation. But the paths are many. Krishna tells Arjuna about karma yoga, bhakti yoga and jnana yoga in the Gita. Even within these, the actual methods to be followed could be different. One might see great success following a 15-minute meditation plan a day. Others might struggle despite an hour of chanting.

In Dale Carnegie’s (DC) How to Win Friends and Influence People, there is a superb statement. The secret he says, is to interest people and build in them a genuine want, if you need them to do something for you. He gives a couple of solid examples too – such as how to get an irate tenant to pay his full rent rather than leave midway, and how a poor newspaper owner got a celebrity to write a star column on his paper.

But as he himself says, a common pushback would be, “Hey these examples are fine, but do these principles work for the tough monsters I have to face in my daily life?”

Here is DC’s amazing response. “You may be right. Nothing will work in all cases. And nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, then why change? If you are not satisfied, then why not experiment?”

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Talk the walk

Many many years ago, a man and his mentor were at a railway station. They came across an elderly couple, probably in their eighties, their frail bodies clothed in rags and their arms outstretched, begging for alms. The mentor handed his man a crisp 100 rupee note. “Please go and get this changed into smaller denominations.” When the man came back with smaller notes and coins, his mentor told him, “Now please put all of the notes and coins into their begging bowls.”

The mentee did as he was instructed. He then had a follow up question for his mentor. “Sir, I thought you asked me to get the smaller denominations so that you could maybe put 10 rupees into the bowl, and not the full 100. If you anyway wanted to put the 100, then why did you not use the 100 rupee note directly?”

The mentor said, “Two reasons, my dear. First, they are an old couple, and their safety is paramount. If we leave a larger note out there, it is possible or even likely others might thrash them and steal it. Or a policeman might bully them, querying where they found (stole) such a large note. Secondly, it’s a mind trick, in favour of the couple. If their bowl has just one 100 rupee note, it is unlikely they will get more. But if they have several smaller notes and coins, more people might come up and donate. This is because people do not like to be the first and only, but most are happy to follow suit once someone has already raised their hands first.”

The man was elated by the outstanding lesson on empathy he had just learned. Not just in talk, but in walk as well. All glories to such realized souls.

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Carma

At the valet parking area of a renowned 5 star hotel, the owner of an old and tiny Hyundai i10 was waiting for his car to be brought to him.

He watched, as the valets buzzed about, servicing their guests and deftly moving from car to car. One valet drove up in great style in a brand new Mercedes Benz AMG GLE Coupe. The Coupe owner took the keys and handed the valet a crisp couple of notes. The smile on the valet’s face was telling of his satisfaction.

The compact car owner thought to himself, “Wow these valets have it so good. I can’t even dream of driving these sporty beauties. That Mercedes GLE is a special edition model – just 10 of them in the whole world!”

Little did he know the thoughts running in the valet’s mind. “Oh these rich folks – such show-offs. And having to drive their cars? Back and forth, back and forth, from the reception area to the parking lot, a 100 times a day. Can there be anything more repetitive and boring? With the money I make, I barely make ends meet. My school going son would love it so much if I could own even just a simple car. Even an old dilapidated Hyundai i10 would be perfect.”

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How to get others to like us

Swami Vivekananda used to say that the allure of a man is predicated on two things. The first is the ability to speak and sway with the spoken word. The second is the inner personality. While we may believe the former to be more important, Swamiji actually gave the latter more importance, saying it contributed over two-thirds to a person’s image.

Irrespective of which is more important, it is clear that we must work on ourselves, rather than expecting the world to accept us. Encouragingly, the acceptance will come unsolicited, if we become the best versions of ourselves.

We can read more, listen to podcasts more, watch more YouTube to pickup new skills or even join classes to increase our overall awareness of various art forms. These are all great, and must be pursued.

But an even better way to improve and completely transform the inner personality, is to serve others selflessly. The service is not rendered for anyone else, but for our own benefit, as it helps keep us grounded in this otherwise age of excesses. We could start simple – by helping someone unasked, once a week. Maybe a friend is going through a tough time and needs someone to listen, or a student needs some math tutoring, or a neighbour is sick and is struggling with cooking and managing their home. Whatever the case may be, anything done for others, with genuine interest in their well being, can surely find us a place in their hearts. This is far more productive and efficient than learning a new skill and attempting to impress someone.

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Good to Great, or the reverse

When Hanuman went to Lanka to rescue Sita, he laid eyes on Ravana for the first time. He described Ravana as “shining like a thousand suns”. He also remarked, “When it comes to greatness, Ravana might well be ahead. But when it comes to goodness, there is no match for Rama!”

Are good and great mutually exclusive? Not, but it is very difficult to combine both. These might explain the difficulty expressed by Scott Fitzgerald’s framework when he talks of having “Two opposing ideas but still retaining the ability to function”. Why? Because greatness gets to the head. The ego swells so much, that there is little room to think of others. Empathy and goodness are replaced by selfishness and greed.

Watching the superb Netflix series Scam 1992 depicts the protagonist Harshad Mehta going through the same conflict. Starting off humbly, and wanting to provide the best for his family, he gets sucked into the world of stock trading. Success after success fuels his ego to such an extent that no amount of wealth and fame is enough. Goodness gets thrown out the window, as fraud after fraud is committed in the quest for greatness.

We must strive for good. Whether great comes or not is irrelevant.

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Acronyms of a liberated soul

Just a fun post this one (aren’t they all!). Here’s how a liberated soul might react to some common acronyms:

ICYMI – In Case You Missed It – “There is nothing to miss, because nothing ever was.”
BRB – Be Right Back – “How can you be so sure? It is all a play of the Supreme”
AFAIK – As Far As I Know – “We know nothing. Even Saraswati says she knows less than 1% of all creation.’
G2G – Got To Go – “What is the hurry? In a 100 years from now, none of us will matter”
BTW – By The Way – “All ways lead only to Him.”
YOLO – You Only Live Once – “Couldn’t be further from the truth.”
OMG – Oh My God – “Why do you exclaim only in times of need? There is nothing besides God”
IMHO – In My Humble Opinion – “I have no opinion, it is all God’s plan and His doing only”
IDK – I Don’t Know – “Yes, you are right on that one”
LOL – Laughing Out Loud – “I’ll join you, because life is fun.”
FAQ – Frequently Asked Questions – “What is Brahman, Aatman, Paramatman, Maya, Moksha?”
DIY – Do It Yourself – “Who else will? You came alone, you will go alone.”

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Why I’m (not) incompetent

As toddlers, when we wanted to speak better, we were surrounded by those who spoke well, and just kept repeating the same gibberish over and over. Today as an adult language learner, if we are in the company of a native speaker, we feel incompetent.

Where we previously studied and memorised many lists for many exams, today we feel incompetent. If someone at the workplace has better ideas than us, or gets promoted, we feel incompetent. Even at home, if a sibling or a cousin achieves more than us, we feel incompetent.

Incompetence is not jealousy, although it could stem from it. Incompetence is only an excuse to doing better, not a solution. It is this very same feeling of incompetence that leads to depression. Despite having everything, an unsolicited and unnecessary comparison to peers throws life off track.

What if we were to just accept the situation and let go? We are not very good at something? Okay so be it. If we can try to improve, then great, otherwise also great. In the long run, values matter more than skills, because skills can be outsourced and values cannot. Incompetence in values can and must be fixed. Peer comparison in skills is a waste of time, but trying to be the best most-humane person? Always a good thing!

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