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Category: relationships

8Rules (part four): The Everlasting Journey of Love

8Rules (part four): The Everlasting Journey of Love

Published September 3, 2023

In the concluding chapters from Jay Shetty’s “8 Rules of Love,” we are introduced to a powerful and uplifting perspective on love’s boundless nature. The eighth rule, “Love Again and Again,” is a celebration of love’s infinite potential. Love isn’t a one-time experience or confined to a single chapter of our lives. It is not a finite resource. It’s an ever-evolving journey, filled with countless opportunities to love, learn, and grow.

Shetty encourages us to view love as a continuous process, not limited by past experiences or future apprehensions. Every interaction, every shared moment, and even every setback is an opportunity to practice love. It’s about opening our hearts, breaking down barriers, and embracing the world with renewed passion and hope. Whether it’s the love between partners, the love for a friend, or the love for oneself, every form of love is valuable and transformative.

This rule is a reminder that our capacity to love is limitless. No matter the challenges we’ve faced or the heartbreaks we’ve endured, there’s always room to love again. It’s about recognizing love’s boundless beauty and allowing it to guide us through life’s many twists and turns.

In this boundless journey, every day presents a fresh canvas, allowing us to paint a new chapter in our ever-evolving love story, filled with hope, passion, and endless possibilities.

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Tabling the conversation

Tabling the conversation

Published August 13, 2023

Once upon a time, in the magical world of Pixar, there was a long, skinny table. This table, the silent observer of countless meetings, had a secret power. It shaped the dynamics of the discussions that took place around it.

The folks at Pixar, led by the visionary Ed Catmull, believed in the power of unhindered communication. But they soon realized that their table was playing tricks on them. Those sitting at the ends felt like their voices didn’t matter, while the ones in the middle seats seemed to have an unfair advantage. The table was creating a hierarchy that was contrary to Pixar’s core belief.

Ed decided to challenge the status quo. He replaced the long, skinny table with a more intimate square version, where everyone could interact equally. And just like that, the table lost its secret power, which was a great thing. The conversations became more inclusive, and the ideas flowed freely.

But old habits die hard. The place cards, symbols of the old hierarchy, still adorned the new table. It took the audacious act of Andrew Stanton, one of Pixar’s directors, to finally break this tradition. He shuffled the place cards, declaring, “We don’t need these anymore!” And with that, the last vestiges of the old hierarchy vanished.

This tale from Pixar’s early days is telling of how our environment subtly shapes our interactions. It also teaches us that solving a problem isn’t just about addressing the main issue. It’s about uprooting all the smaller problems that sprout from it.

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Rich walls

Rich walls

Published July 20, 2023

Came across a life story (his own) narrated by a stylish and talented Indian actor of yesteryear called Jackie Shroff.

He was describing his own poverty-stricken upbringing. Some 6-7 people slept huddled on the floor of his 1 room house.

When he or his siblings would cough as kids, his mother would just reach out and put her hand on their chest and and rub and calm them down.

And then, he says, they became rich and famous. Big cars and big houses.

No more sleeping huddled together on the floor. Everyone had their own rooms. And one day his mother suffered a heart attack in the adjacent room and passed away.

Jackie recounted how as the money came, the walls came too. His mother was in the other room, behind the walls, and so he couldn’t hear her cry out for help. Nobody heard her, else she might have been saved. He says that if he didn’t have the money, they may still have been sleeping on the floor together, and he would have immediately known his mother’s discomfort and saved her.

So thoughtful isn’t it?

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ThreEY

ThreEY

Published July 9, 2023

In a recent interview that I was reading, Carmine Di Sibio, the global chairman and CEO of the Big 4 Consulting firm EY, shared three valuable lessons from his own journey that I found quite useful:

1. Embrace Change:
Di Sibio emphasizes the importance of not being afraid to change paths, even if it means deviating from your original plan. Drawing from his personal experience, he reveals that he initially pursued a degree in chemistry with the intention of becoming a doctor. However, through an internship at a hospital, he discovered that medicine wasn’t the right fit for him. This realization led him to change course and embark on a career in business. Di Sibio advises us to remain flexible, acquire new skills, and keep an open mind as the evolving landscape of technology reshapes the future of work.

2. Foster Collaboration:
While competition often takes center stage in the business world, Di Sibio highlights the value of collaboration. He shares his own journey of studying business as a liberal arts graduate and how he learned the most from his classmates. Despite working for competing organizations during the day, they came together in the evening to study and collaborate on projects. Di Sibio believes that successful collaboration enhances one’s ability to handle challenges and seize opportunities. He illustrates this through EY’s collaborations with various organizations, including competitors, to create custom solutions and address pressing societal issues. Embracing collaboration can lead to personal and professional growth.

3. Challenge the Status Quo:
Questioning the status quo is a fundamental aspect of creating a better future, according to Di Sibio, who stresses the importance of asking bold questions throughout one’s career. He encourages graduates to challenge established norms, both within their organizations and in society at large. Di Sibio shared the story of EY’s ambitious initiative, Project Everest, which aimed to redefine the industry by splitting the organization into two separate entities. Although the project was eventually put on hold, valuable insights were gained, and the process sparked innovation and opened new conversations. Di Sibio believes that real change often requires persistence and a willingness to learn from setbacks.

Simple, but great points no?

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AAAA

AAAA

Published June 24, 2023

Came across an interesting speech today. The gentleman was speaking about “How to be a good subordinate”.

I said, what?

The whole world is running after how to be a CEO and a leader and a master and a winner. And here this fellow is giving a talk on how to be a good subordinate?

Yep, because he has a good point. As he notes, one cannot attain the corner office at the age of 25 or 30. Good things, like the wisdom of experience, take time.

So how to be a good subordinate? Follow the 4As.

A for Accomplishment, as one needs to deliver. A for Affability, as one needs to be able to get along with one’s boss. A for Advocacy, of ourselves, because we are all salesmen, even if we aren’t in sales. A for Authenticity, because that’s we always need to be.

If I had to add one more A, it would be A for the Almighty, because without Him, nothing is possible!

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Inferior knowledge

Inferior knowledge

Published June 23, 2023

It’s always good to know more about everything. Being a voracious reader and consumer of information is great. It can certainly help one make a mark in relationships. If the group you’re with is talking about sports or art or literature or finance or movies or science – doesn’t matter – because you’re still going to be able to contribute to the conversation and sound intelligent!

This is fantastic. But what if you don’t read much. Maybe you don’t have the time. Or maybe you aren’t interested, just aren’t able to read a book cover to cover, or watch educational videos much. Or maybe you do some or all of these, but still are blessed with a terrible memory (like yours truly!) that nothing sticks. Does it mean such people will never be able to build relationships?

Not quite. It’s a fallacy to think that the smartest and most talkative guy in the room is the winner. Sure such persons will have the spotlight on them. But more than anything, what people like, is to talk. And if you give them that opportunity, and listen to them really well, you can build far better relationships than you ever would simply by consuming a lot of knowledge.

This is fabulous, because it is easy. Doesn’t require preparation or complexes of inferiority. All it needs is to be aware and present in the moment. And as long as you get the other person speaking, and you are listening, you will be fine.

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Angry fellwoo

Angry fellwoo

Published June 20, 2023

There’s a lovely heartwarming Korean TV series called Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

It focuses on autism and how anyone with such a disorder needs to be encouraged as they too can contribute to society. What we call normal, is perhaps just our own condescending and deluded version of how we see the world and expect it to function.

One scene I loved was when Attorney Woo-Young-Woo is shouted at by her superior at work.

If it was me in her place, it would have shaken me to the core. And I’d have been thinking about the incident for months thereafter.

But Attorney Woo? Being autistic, she doesn’t grasp emotions like anger instinctively. Instead she says, “Oh, your cheeks are getting red, your voice is rising, your ears are flexing, your nostrils are enlarging, your eyebrows are pointing upwards, oh – that means you must be getting angry!”

Deconstructed this way, that’s all anger really is, isn’t it? Why should we take the actions of someone else to our hearts?

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4 legged furore

4 legged furore

Published June 19, 2023

There is a furore around practically everything nowadays, whether mundane or regal. When the PM of India inaugurated the new parliament building, there were all sorts of comments that were passed.

But as we well know, FHN is never political, and so we’ll steer clear of those things. But what I found intriguing is the staff / sceptre called sengol that was used in the ceremony.

It has a golden bull on the top, Nandi, the divine vehicle of Lord Shiva.

And what does it signify?

The 4 legs of the bull are symbolic of satyam (truth), shaucham (purity or cleanliness), daya (compassion) and tapas (austerity).

What it means, is that any king holding the sengol must abide by these 4 virtues. These are not virtues to be forced upon people, rather this is what the king himself must imbibe.

Any leader in the workplace today too can benefit by following these.

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Cloying

Cloying

Published June 11, 2023

You know that feeling when you’ve had way too many chocolates? And then you have just one more. And it then gets too darn sweet. An excessive level of sweetness that suddenly becomes unbearable? The big English word for this is cloying.

It’s an interesting word, and is reflective of society in some ways today. Folks can be sugary and sweet on the outside, but deep inside, almost everyone is boiling with anger or fear or jealousy. Sweetness that’s so sweet that it’s repulsive.

Often times, like the first many chocolates, all the problems of the world remain bottled up. Until one fine day, the proverbial last straw breaks the camel’s back.

How to tackle this? Perhaps by being more reflective. Not waiting to eat the last chocolate. And realizing that life will have its ups and downs. And in the midst of this all, if we can truly be sweet to others, that’s a winning proposition.

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Success comes from where? – part 1 of 2

Success comes from where? – part 1 of 2

Published May 12, 2023

In his book “Give and Take,” Adam Grant makes a powerful argument for the impact of generosity in achieving success. According to Grant, our success often hinges on our interactions with others, and those who are willing to be generous and giving are more likely to achieve their goals.

One example that Grant provides is the story of David Hornik, a venture capitalist who goes above and beyond to assist entrepreneurs even when there’s no direct financial gain for him. Hornik’s willingness to help others has resulted in a network of successful entrepreneurs who are happy to work with him again in the future.

Another example is the case of Adam Rifkin, a thriving entrepreneur who spends a significant amount of time mentoring and advising others. Rifkin believes that by helping others succeed, he’s also helping himself succeed. His generosity has rewarded him with a strong network and numerous prosperous business ventures.

These examples demonstrate the power of giving and helping others in achieving success. By being generous and offering help without expecting anything in return, we can cultivate meaningful relationships, gain valuable experience, and ultimately accomplish our goals.

The road to success isn’t always linear the way we often expect it to be. Sometimes, the key to attaining our objectives lies in helping others achieve theirs. We could hence strive to be giving and generous in our interactions with others, and see where it takes us.

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Salesy

Salesy

Published April 11, 2023

Sales is super hard, but super important. Every action of ours done in public is nothing but sales in a way. Every word we utter is sales – of ourselves. We are the product.

But even for sales as a profession, it is a great teacher.

In my job, when I need to sell something, I’m selling that something which I did not create. I also do not control it or it’s creator.

In a room with potential buyers, I need to extol the virtues of not just the product, but of its creator too. Imagine if my ego were to get in the way – no chance of closing the sale then. All focus on the product and it’s inventor only. Who thought sales would double up as a good practice ground for spirituality!

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Parental advisory

Parental advisory

Published April 1, 2023

Everyone wants advice on good parenting. Because it’s become infinitely harder to raise kids these days.

My cousin who’d visited me recently was explaining how his kids (aged 10 and 5) are just in their own world, no different from their other kid-friends.

The way they talk, what they focus on, the fact that at least the city-breds already have everything they could ever need etc.

Sadhguru’s advice on raising kids is sage.

Firstly he says, don’t “raise” kids, because raising them is like raising cattle. All you’ll get is a flock! We need to instead “cultivate” them, and then step back and watch.

He also says, that raising a child is a 20-year project if done well.

If done badly, it’s a lifelong project!

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VIP

VIP

Published March 5, 2023

Everyone wants something. The world indeed does run on incentives only. In the very funny and niche TV series called Clarkson’s Farm, Jeremy Clarkson, the famous ex-host of Top Gear runs into some trouble with the local villagers.

As an aside, when they said “villagers” on the show, I thought of villages like those in India. But boy were those villages in the UK so modern and citylike. No skyscrapers, but everything looked so nice! Anyway, back to the point. Jeremy ran into trouble because the villagers didn’t like the fact that him farming and selling his produce and recording all this into a TV show was bringing too much traffic and noise to the otherwise quiet village.

So he decides to setup a meeting with the village community. Everyone brings up some issue or the other. Jeremy patiently replies to each one, saying he will try his best. But the clincher? Someone asked for a VIP pass to his farm-to-fork restaurant, and a special discount for the villagers. Everyone chimed in. And when Jeremy said “yes of course”, everything was sorted out instantly – meeting over! It’s all about “what’s in it for me?” ????

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Leadership Secrets – part 2

Leadership Secrets – part 2

Published February 17, 2023

Continuing from yesterday, what does collaboration really mean? Everyone wants everyone else to be collaborative around them, and they certainly feel they each are the pinnacles of collaboration. Is that true though?

Within many firms, it’s all about the money. And there is often only so much of a pot to share, capitalists, as most of us are. Collaborating could mean someone else taking the credit and the pot. But Guy argues that collaboration even in large companies and in cutthroat verticals can have positive effects, i.e. synergies such that the sum is greater than the parts. He gives the example of P&G – the global consumer company. Founded pre-Civil War (1837!), they have 60+ brands of which at least 20 are worth over a billion dollars.

In the 1990s, Crest – P&G’s toothpaste brand – was struggling to compete with Colgate in the toothpaste market. Crest researcher, Paul Sagel, saw an opportunity to create a teeth whitening product that people could use at home. He came up with a solution, but couldn’t figure out how to apply it to teeth. During a lunch with colleague Bob Dirksing, who was working on a plastic product for Procter & Gamble, Bob suggested using plastic wrap. They tested the prototype and took it to the CMO, who greenlit the product. In just 6 months, Crest Whitestrips hit the shelves and made $300 million in revenue in its first year.

Crest Whitestrips is proof that collaboration can bring success. Paul and Bob’s combined expertise created an incredibly successful product, showcasing the value of a collaborative culture in organizations. When collaboration is encouraged, great things happen. Continued tomorrow…

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Leadership Secrets – part 1

Leadership Secrets – part 1

Published February 16, 2023

Everyone knows leadership is a crucial skill. Probably the most crucial one in a work setting. And everyone wants to be a leader, or at least be seen as one.

But what does it take to be a leader? Are there any identifiable and repeatable traits?

On a very cool new podcast by Harvard Business Review, the featured a guest named Guy Raz. Guy is the host and co-creator of his own podcasts “How I Built This” and “Wisdom from the Top,” where he regularly speaks (700 interviews!) with the who’s who of the business world (aka leaders). Here are the 3 most important things for leadership, in his own words:

"The first is, they all create a culture of collaboration, all of these leaders. Full stop. The second thing they do is they encourage risk-taking, and then the opposite side of that coin, which is the third thing they do, which is they allow for failure."

More insights tomorrow!

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Something on the table

Something on the table

Published February 6, 2023

On a podcast where the guest was American Hedge Fund entrepreneur Anthony Scaramucci, he reiterated the exact same thing as the title. He said his mentor’s most importance advice that has stayed with him all throughout and been the most beneficial is this: “Always leave something on the table”.

It could be a small deal or a large one, a few million dollars, or a few billion. Everyone wants to feel like they’ve “won”. Walking away from the table having lost money is not a good feeling at all.

One of the biggest follies I see around me is that folks who are looking to close deals are constantly thinking only about their own side of the bargain.

They says always leave something on the table, but I feel like some parties get so aggressive they end up taking the table itself. Most deals get done on trust and relationships, which take ages to build and nurture. Surely a few percentage points here and there won’t matter in the long run, but it can sure cause long-forged bonds to come undone, or even rip apart.

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Smells like team spirit – part 1 of 2

Smells like team spirit – part 1 of 2

Published January 4, 2023

Nirvana, the rock band of yesteryear, had an insane hit called “smells like teen spirit”. More than teen spirit, it’s team spirit that matters for success in life – not that Niravana felt otherwise.

But a recent TV series called The Last Dance, chronicles the final NBA season of the Chicago Bulls a couple of decades ago.

Anyone who was old enough to watch basketball at the time will remember the outstanding Michael Jordan, as well as his partner in crime Scottie Pippen. I always thought things were great between them given how amazing they were on the court.

But despite Pippen being at least the 2nd best player in the Bulls, he was only the 6th best ranked player on the team in terms of salary. His salary rank was 120th when the entire NBA was considered. Surely very less for one of his caliber.

Continued tomorrow…

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Relationship Advisory – part 3 of 3

Relationship Advisory – part 3 of 3

Published December 28, 2022

During the podcast, Adam Grant requested his guests – the Gottmans – to share examples of how they would resolve conflicts. And boy did they provide some funny yet eye-opening versions.

Without going into the examples here though, even better is how Adam summarized everything beautifully at the end. Here it is, verbatim:

I came into this conversation thinking the Gottmans’ secret sauce must be their knowledge from research and therapy. Now, I believe it's something more: their deliberate practice. It's like they've been training for the Conflict Olympics. They're not just coaches watching other people's highlight reels and bloopers. They're professional arguers. They practice fighting. They review their game tape afterward. Amazing. There's a lot of evidence that what hurts relationships is not arguing frequently. It's arguing poorly, and watching the Gottmans convinces me that the best way to get better at fighting is to do it more, and then debrief on what went well and how you could have handled it more effectively. That way, instead of duking it out to try to win the argument, you're on the same side, trying to improve the argument, together. I think we should all give this a whirl, and I know where I'm gonna start.
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Relationship advisory – part 2 of 3

Relationship advisory – part 2 of 3

Published December 27, 2022

Continuing from yesterday, the Gottmans talk about an interesting concept. The “4 horsemen” is a term coined by John and Julie Gottman to refer to four common behaviors that are predictors of relationship failure. These behaviors are:

Criticism: This involves attacking someone’s character or personality, rather than focusing on a specific behavior or issue. For example, instead of saying “I don’t like it when you leave dirty dishes in the sink,” a person might say “You are so lazy and inconsiderate.”

Contempt: This involves putting the other person down or mocking them in a hostile way. For example, using sarcasm or eye-rolling to show that you think the other person is stupid or unworthy of respect.

Defensiveness: This involves avoiding responsibility for your own actions and trying to shift blame onto the other person. For example, instead of acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing, you might say “I only did it because you always…” or “It’s not my fault, it’s yours.”

Stonewalling: This involves shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation, either physically or emotionally. For example, not responding to the other person’s comments, or walking out of the room without saying anything.

Pretty cool way of dissecting relationships, and especially what can go wrong!

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Relationship advisory – part 1 of 3

Relationship advisory – part 1 of 3

Published December 26, 2022

In a cool new podcast by Adam Grant, he interviews John and Julie Gottman. The two are psychologists who have been studying healthy relationships for over four decades. They co-founded the Gottman Institute, and have written numerous bestselling books together.

They discuss their famous study on predicting divorce rates in the podcast episode. I first thought, “what? Predicting divorce? How is that even possible? Are they using Vedic astrology?” But no, it was a proper study!

They had couples come into their lab and talk about the issues in their marriage, and were able to predict their divorce rates with astonishing accuracy by coding the little signals they sent each other back and forth. They synchronized the video time code to physiological measures from each person, looking at heart rate, how much they sweat from their hands, respiration, blood velocity, gross motor movement, and the emotions that the couples were displaying.

Almost shockingly (to me!), they could account for more than 90% of the variation in what happened to the couple, and could not only predict whether they would stay together or get divorced, but also predict when they would get divorced and how happily married they would be if they stayed together.

Incredible, and so did they have any more insights to offer? More tomorrow…

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