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Category: relationships

8Rules (part four): The Everlasting Journey of Love

8Rules (part four): The Everlasting Journey of Love

Published September 3, 2023

In the concluding chapters from Jay Shetty’s “8 Rules of Love,” we are introduced to a powerful and uplifting perspective on love’s boundless nature. The eighth rule, “Love Again and Again,” is a celebration of love’s infinite potential. Love isn’t a one-time experience or confined to a single chapter of our lives. It is not a finite resource. It’s an ever-evolving journey, filled with countless opportunities to love, learn, and grow.

Shetty encourages us to view love as a continuous process, not limited by past experiences or future apprehensions. Every interaction, every shared moment, and even every setback is an opportunity to practice love. It’s about opening our hearts, breaking down barriers, and embracing the world with renewed passion and hope. Whether it’s the love between partners, the love for a friend, or the love for oneself, every form of love is valuable and transformative.

This rule is a reminder that our capacity to love is limitless. No matter the challenges we’ve faced or the heartbreaks we’ve endured, there’s always room to love again. It’s about recognizing love’s boundless beauty and allowing it to guide us through life’s many twists and turns.

In this boundless journey, every day presents a fresh canvas, allowing us to paint a new chapter in our ever-evolving love story, filled with hope, passion, and endless possibilities.

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Tabling the conversation

Tabling the conversation

Published August 13, 2023

Once upon a time, in the magical world of Pixar, there was a long, skinny table. This table, the silent observer of countless meetings, had a secret power. It shaped the dynamics of the discussions that took place around it.

The folks at Pixar, led by the visionary Ed Catmull, believed in the power of unhindered communication. But they soon realized that their table was playing tricks on them. Those sitting at the ends felt like their voices didn’t matter, while the ones in the middle seats seemed to have an unfair advantage. The table was creating a hierarchy that was contrary to Pixar’s core belief.

Ed decided to challenge the status quo. He replaced the long, skinny table with a more intimate square version, where everyone could interact equally. And just like that, the table lost its secret power, which was a great thing. The conversations became more inclusive, and the ideas flowed freely.

But old habits die hard. The place cards, symbols of the old hierarchy, still adorned the new table. It took the audacious act of Andrew Stanton, one of Pixar’s directors, to finally break this tradition. He shuffled the place cards, declaring, “We don’t need these anymore!” And with that, the last vestiges of the old hierarchy vanished.

This tale from Pixar’s early days is telling of how our environment subtly shapes our interactions. It also teaches us that solving a problem isn’t just about addressing the main issue. It’s about uprooting all the smaller problems that sprout from it.

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Rich walls

Rich walls

Published July 20, 2023

Came across a life story (his own) narrated by a stylish and talented Indian actor of yesteryear called Jackie Shroff.

He was describing his own poverty-stricken upbringing. Some 6-7 people slept huddled on the floor of his 1 room house.

When he or his siblings would cough as kids, his mother would just reach out and put her hand on their chest and and rub and calm them down.

And then, he says, they became rich and famous. Big cars and big houses.

No more sleeping huddled together on the floor. Everyone had their own rooms. And one day his mother suffered a heart attack in the adjacent room and passed away.

Jackie recounted how as the money came, the walls came too. His mother was in the other room, behind the walls, and so he couldn’t hear her cry out for help. Nobody heard her, else she might have been saved. He says that if he didn’t have the money, they may still have been sleeping on the floor together, and he would have immediately known his mother’s discomfort and saved her.

So thoughtful isn’t it?

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ThreEY

ThreEY

Published July 9, 2023

In a recent interview that I was reading, Carmine Di Sibio, the global chairman and CEO of the Big 4 Consulting firm EY, shared three valuable lessons from his own journey that I found quite useful:

1. Embrace Change:
Di Sibio emphasizes the importance of not being afraid to change paths, even if it means deviating from your original plan. Drawing from his personal experience, he reveals that he initially pursued a degree in chemistry with the intention of becoming a doctor. However, through an internship at a hospital, he discovered that medicine wasn’t the right fit for him. This realization led him to change course and embark on a career in business. Di Sibio advises us to remain flexible, acquire new skills, and keep an open mind as the evolving landscape of technology reshapes the future of work.

2. Foster Collaboration:
While competition often takes center stage in the business world, Di Sibio highlights the value of collaboration. He shares his own journey of studying business as a liberal arts graduate and how he learned the most from his classmates. Despite working for competing organizations during the day, they came together in the evening to study and collaborate on projects. Di Sibio believes that successful collaboration enhances one’s ability to handle challenges and seize opportunities. He illustrates this through EY’s collaborations with various organizations, including competitors, to create custom solutions and address pressing societal issues. Embracing collaboration can lead to personal and professional growth.

3. Challenge the Status Quo:
Questioning the status quo is a fundamental aspect of creating a better future, according to Di Sibio, who stresses the importance of asking bold questions throughout one’s career. He encourages graduates to challenge established norms, both within their organizations and in society at large. Di Sibio shared the story of EY’s ambitious initiative, Project Everest, which aimed to redefine the industry by splitting the organization into two separate entities. Although the project was eventually put on hold, valuable insights were gained, and the process sparked innovation and opened new conversations. Di Sibio believes that real change often requires persistence and a willingness to learn from setbacks.

Simple, but great points no?

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AAAA

AAAA

Published June 24, 2023

Came across an interesting speech today. The gentleman was speaking about “How to be a good subordinate”.

I said, what?

The whole world is running after how to be a CEO and a leader and a master and a winner. And here this fellow is giving a talk on how to be a good subordinate?

Yep, because he has a good point. As he notes, one cannot attain the corner office at the age of 25 or 30. Good things, like the wisdom of experience, take time.

So how to be a good subordinate? Follow the 4As.

A for Accomplishment, as one needs to deliver. A for Affability, as one needs to be able to get along with one’s boss. A for Advocacy, of ourselves, because we are all salesmen, even if we aren’t in sales. A for Authenticity, because that’s we always need to be.

If I had to add one more A, it would be A for the Almighty, because without Him, nothing is possible!

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Inferior knowledge

Inferior knowledge

Published June 23, 2023

It’s always good to know more about everything. Being a voracious reader and consumer of information is great. It can certainly help one make a mark in relationships. If the group you’re with is talking about sports or art or literature or finance or movies or science – doesn’t matter – because you’re still going to be able to contribute to the conversation and sound intelligent!

This is fantastic. But what if you don’t read much. Maybe you don’t have the time. Or maybe you aren’t interested, just aren’t able to read a book cover to cover, or watch educational videos much. Or maybe you do some or all of these, but still are blessed with a terrible memory (like yours truly!) that nothing sticks. Does it mean such people will never be able to build relationships?

Not quite. It’s a fallacy to think that the smartest and most talkative guy in the room is the winner. Sure such persons will have the spotlight on them. But more than anything, what people like, is to talk. And if you give them that opportunity, and listen to them really well, you can build far better relationships than you ever would simply by consuming a lot of knowledge.

This is fabulous, because it is easy. Doesn’t require preparation or complexes of inferiority. All it needs is to be aware and present in the moment. And as long as you get the other person speaking, and you are listening, you will be fine.

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Angry fellwoo

Angry fellwoo

Published June 20, 2023

There’s a lovely heartwarming Korean TV series called Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

It focuses on autism and how anyone with such a disorder needs to be encouraged as they too can contribute to society. What we call normal, is perhaps just our own condescending and deluded version of how we see the world and expect it to function.

One scene I loved was when Attorney Woo-Young-Woo is shouted at by her superior at work.

If it was me in her place, it would have shaken me to the core. And I’d have been thinking about the incident for months thereafter.

But Attorney Woo? Being autistic, she doesn’t grasp emotions like anger instinctively. Instead she says, “Oh, your cheeks are getting red, your voice is rising, your ears are flexing, your nostrils are enlarging, your eyebrows are pointing upwards, oh – that means you must be getting angry!”

Deconstructed this way, that’s all anger really is, isn’t it? Why should we take the actions of someone else to our hearts?

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4 legged furore

4 legged furore

Published June 19, 2023

There is a furore around practically everything nowadays, whether mundane or regal. When the PM of India inaugurated the new parliament building, there were all sorts of comments that were passed.

But as we well know, FHN is never political, and so we’ll steer clear of those things. But what I found intriguing is the staff / sceptre called sengol that was used in the ceremony.

It has a golden bull on the top, Nandi, the divine vehicle of Lord Shiva.

And what does it signify?

The 4 legs of the bull are symbolic of satyam (truth), shaucham (purity or cleanliness), daya (compassion) and tapas (austerity).

What it means, is that any king holding the sengol must abide by these 4 virtues. These are not virtues to be forced upon people, rather this is what the king himself must imbibe.

Any leader in the workplace today too can benefit by following these.

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Cloying

Cloying

Published June 11, 2023

You know that feeling when you’ve had way too many chocolates? And then you have just one more. And it then gets too darn sweet. An excessive level of sweetness that suddenly becomes unbearable? The big English word for this is cloying.

It’s an interesting word, and is reflective of society in some ways today. Folks can be sugary and sweet on the outside, but deep inside, almost everyone is boiling with anger or fear or jealousy. Sweetness that’s so sweet that it’s repulsive.

Often times, like the first many chocolates, all the problems of the world remain bottled up. Until one fine day, the proverbial last straw breaks the camel’s back.

How to tackle this? Perhaps by being more reflective. Not waiting to eat the last chocolate. And realizing that life will have its ups and downs. And in the midst of this all, if we can truly be sweet to others, that’s a winning proposition.

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Success comes from where? – part 1 of 2

Success comes from where? – part 1 of 2

Published May 12, 2023

In his book “Give and Take,” Adam Grant makes a powerful argument for the impact of generosity in achieving success. According to Grant, our success often hinges on our interactions with others, and those who are willing to be generous and giving are more likely to achieve their goals.

One example that Grant provides is the story of David Hornik, a venture capitalist who goes above and beyond to assist entrepreneurs even when there’s no direct financial gain for him. Hornik’s willingness to help others has resulted in a network of successful entrepreneurs who are happy to work with him again in the future.

Another example is the case of Adam Rifkin, a thriving entrepreneur who spends a significant amount of time mentoring and advising others. Rifkin believes that by helping others succeed, he’s also helping himself succeed. His generosity has rewarded him with a strong network and numerous prosperous business ventures.

These examples demonstrate the power of giving and helping others in achieving success. By being generous and offering help without expecting anything in return, we can cultivate meaningful relationships, gain valuable experience, and ultimately accomplish our goals.

The road to success isn’t always linear the way we often expect it to be. Sometimes, the key to attaining our objectives lies in helping others achieve theirs. We could hence strive to be giving and generous in our interactions with others, and see where it takes us.

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Salesy

Salesy

Published April 11, 2023

Sales is super hard, but super important. Every action of ours done in public is nothing but sales in a way. Every word we utter is sales – of ourselves. We are the product.

But even for sales as a profession, it is a great teacher.

In my job, when I need to sell something, I’m selling that something which I did not create. I also do not control it or it’s creator.

In a room with potential buyers, I need to extol the virtues of not just the product, but of its creator too. Imagine if my ego were to get in the way – no chance of closing the sale then. All focus on the product and it’s inventor only. Who thought sales would double up as a good practice ground for spirituality!

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Parental advisory

Parental advisory

Published April 1, 2023

Everyone wants advice on good parenting. Because it’s become infinitely harder to raise kids these days.

My cousin who’d visited me recently was explaining how his kids (aged 10 and 5) are just in their own world, no different from their other kid-friends.

The way they talk, what they focus on, the fact that at least the city-breds already have everything they could ever need etc.

Sadhguru’s advice on raising kids is sage.

Firstly he says, don’t “raise” kids, because raising them is like raising cattle. All you’ll get is a flock! We need to instead “cultivate” them, and then step back and watch.

He also says, that raising a child is a 20-year project if done well.

If done badly, it’s a lifelong project!

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VIP

VIP

Published March 5, 2023

Everyone wants something. The world indeed does run on incentives only. In the very funny and niche TV series called Clarkson’s Farm, Jeremy Clarkson, the famous ex-host of Top Gear runs into some trouble with the local villagers.

As an aside, when they said “villagers” on the show, I thought of villages like those in India. But boy were those villages in the UK so modern and citylike. No skyscrapers, but everything looked so nice! Anyway, back to the point. Jeremy ran into trouble because the villagers didn’t like the fact that him farming and selling his produce and recording all this into a TV show was bringing too much traffic and noise to the otherwise quiet village.

So he decides to setup a meeting with the village community. Everyone brings up some issue or the other. Jeremy patiently replies to each one, saying he will try his best. But the clincher? Someone asked for a VIP pass to his farm-to-fork restaurant, and a special discount for the villagers. Everyone chimed in. And when Jeremy said “yes of course”, everything was sorted out instantly – meeting over! It’s all about “what’s in it for me?” ????

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Leadership Secrets – part 2

Leadership Secrets – part 2

Published February 17, 2023

Continuing from yesterday, what does collaboration really mean? Everyone wants everyone else to be collaborative around them, and they certainly feel they each are the pinnacles of collaboration. Is that true though?

Within many firms, it’s all about the money. And there is often only so much of a pot to share, capitalists, as most of us are. Collaborating could mean someone else taking the credit and the pot. But Guy argues that collaboration even in large companies and in cutthroat verticals can have positive effects, i.e. synergies such that the sum is greater than the parts. He gives the example of P&G – the global consumer company. Founded pre-Civil War (1837!), they have 60+ brands of which at least 20 are worth over a billion dollars.

In the 1990s, Crest – P&G’s toothpaste brand – was struggling to compete with Colgate in the toothpaste market. Crest researcher, Paul Sagel, saw an opportunity to create a teeth whitening product that people could use at home. He came up with a solution, but couldn’t figure out how to apply it to teeth. During a lunch with colleague Bob Dirksing, who was working on a plastic product for Procter & Gamble, Bob suggested using plastic wrap. They tested the prototype and took it to the CMO, who greenlit the product. In just 6 months, Crest Whitestrips hit the shelves and made $300 million in revenue in its first year.

Crest Whitestrips is proof that collaboration can bring success. Paul and Bob’s combined expertise created an incredibly successful product, showcasing the value of a collaborative culture in organizations. When collaboration is encouraged, great things happen. Continued tomorrow…

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Leadership Secrets – part 1

Leadership Secrets – part 1

Published February 16, 2023

Everyone knows leadership is a crucial skill. Probably the most crucial one in a work setting. And everyone wants to be a leader, or at least be seen as one.

But what does it take to be a leader? Are there any identifiable and repeatable traits?

On a very cool new podcast by Harvard Business Review, the featured a guest named Guy Raz. Guy is the host and co-creator of his own podcasts “How I Built This” and “Wisdom from the Top,” where he regularly speaks (700 interviews!) with the who’s who of the business world (aka leaders). Here are the 3 most important things for leadership, in his own words:

"The first is, they all create a culture of collaboration, all of these leaders. Full stop. The second thing they do is they encourage risk-taking, and then the opposite side of that coin, which is the third thing they do, which is they allow for failure."

More insights tomorrow!

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Something on the table

Something on the table

Published February 6, 2023

On a podcast where the guest was American Hedge Fund entrepreneur Anthony Scaramucci, he reiterated the exact same thing as the title. He said his mentor’s most importance advice that has stayed with him all throughout and been the most beneficial is this: “Always leave something on the table”.

It could be a small deal or a large one, a few million dollars, or a few billion. Everyone wants to feel like they’ve “won”. Walking away from the table having lost money is not a good feeling at all.

One of the biggest follies I see around me is that folks who are looking to close deals are constantly thinking only about their own side of the bargain.

They says always leave something on the table, but I feel like some parties get so aggressive they end up taking the table itself. Most deals get done on trust and relationships, which take ages to build and nurture. Surely a few percentage points here and there won’t matter in the long run, but it can sure cause long-forged bonds to come undone, or even rip apart.

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Smells like team spirit – part 1 of 2

Smells like team spirit – part 1 of 2

Published January 4, 2023

Nirvana, the rock band of yesteryear, had an insane hit called “smells like teen spirit”. More than teen spirit, it’s team spirit that matters for success in life – not that Niravana felt otherwise.

But a recent TV series called The Last Dance, chronicles the final NBA season of the Chicago Bulls a couple of decades ago.

Anyone who was old enough to watch basketball at the time will remember the outstanding Michael Jordan, as well as his partner in crime Scottie Pippen. I always thought things were great between them given how amazing they were on the court.

But despite Pippen being at least the 2nd best player in the Bulls, he was only the 6th best ranked player on the team in terms of salary. His salary rank was 120th when the entire NBA was considered. Surely very less for one of his caliber.

Continued tomorrow…

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Relationship Advisory – part 3 of 3

Relationship Advisory – part 3 of 3

Published December 28, 2022

During the podcast, Adam Grant requested his guests – the Gottmans – to share examples of how they would resolve conflicts. And boy did they provide some funny yet eye-opening versions.

Without going into the examples here though, even better is how Adam summarized everything beautifully at the end. Here it is, verbatim:

I came into this conversation thinking the Gottmans’ secret sauce must be their knowledge from research and therapy. Now, I believe it's something more: their deliberate practice. It's like they've been training for the Conflict Olympics. They're not just coaches watching other people's highlight reels and bloopers. They're professional arguers. They practice fighting. They review their game tape afterward. Amazing. There's a lot of evidence that what hurts relationships is not arguing frequently. It's arguing poorly, and watching the Gottmans convinces me that the best way to get better at fighting is to do it more, and then debrief on what went well and how you could have handled it more effectively. That way, instead of duking it out to try to win the argument, you're on the same side, trying to improve the argument, together. I think we should all give this a whirl, and I know where I'm gonna start.
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Relationship advisory – part 2 of 3

Relationship advisory – part 2 of 3

Published December 27, 2022

Continuing from yesterday, the Gottmans talk about an interesting concept. The “4 horsemen” is a term coined by John and Julie Gottman to refer to four common behaviors that are predictors of relationship failure. These behaviors are:

Criticism: This involves attacking someone’s character or personality, rather than focusing on a specific behavior or issue. For example, instead of saying “I don’t like it when you leave dirty dishes in the sink,” a person might say “You are so lazy and inconsiderate.”

Contempt: This involves putting the other person down or mocking them in a hostile way. For example, using sarcasm or eye-rolling to show that you think the other person is stupid or unworthy of respect.

Defensiveness: This involves avoiding responsibility for your own actions and trying to shift blame onto the other person. For example, instead of acknowledging that you made a mistake and apologizing, you might say “I only did it because you always…” or “It’s not my fault, it’s yours.”

Stonewalling: This involves shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation, either physically or emotionally. For example, not responding to the other person’s comments, or walking out of the room without saying anything.

Pretty cool way of dissecting relationships, and especially what can go wrong!

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Relationship advisory – part 1 of 3

Relationship advisory – part 1 of 3

Published December 26, 2022

In a cool new podcast by Adam Grant, he interviews John and Julie Gottman. The two are psychologists who have been studying healthy relationships for over four decades. They co-founded the Gottman Institute, and have written numerous bestselling books together.

They discuss their famous study on predicting divorce rates in the podcast episode. I first thought, “what? Predicting divorce? How is that even possible? Are they using Vedic astrology?” But no, it was a proper study!

They had couples come into their lab and talk about the issues in their marriage, and were able to predict their divorce rates with astonishing accuracy by coding the little signals they sent each other back and forth. They synchronized the video time code to physiological measures from each person, looking at heart rate, how much they sweat from their hands, respiration, blood velocity, gross motor movement, and the emotions that the couples were displaying.

Almost shockingly (to me!), they could account for more than 90% of the variation in what happened to the couple, and could not only predict whether they would stay together or get divorced, but also predict when they would get divorced and how happily married they would be if they stayed together.

Incredible, and so did they have any more insights to offer? More tomorrow…

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El Genioso

El Genioso

Published November 21, 2022

Everybody wants to be a genius. But not everyone is. Most aren’t. Wikipedia actually doesn’t even have a proper definition. It says there’s no way to quantify any thresholds on who makes it to genius and who doesn’t. IQ 200, and hence confirmed genius? Nope, no such thing.

In a podcast hosted by author and optimist Simon Sinek, he talks about how the word genius was originally not even a trait. The word came from ancient Rome, where genius was actually a good spirit that every human being was thought to be protected and guided by. So it was never “you are a genius” but that “you have a genius”. Along the way of course all this got corrupted.

Simon also posted this once:

The genius at the top doesn't make the team look good. A good team makes the person at the top look like a genius.

There’s no need to be a genius and lose sleep over it. Instead, it’s more important to be ge-nice, i.e. a nice human being.

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Family first?

Family first?

Published October 30, 2022

This is not a political post, but simply a humanitarian one.

The current President of India is Droupadi Murmu.

This statement can just end there of course. But someone who didn’t know better could assume that this lady got there easily.

But nope, couldn’t have been harder.

She is from one of India’s most backward and underdeveloped communities. She also lost her husband, both her sons (one to an accident), her mother and her brother, all in the span of a few years. Losses that would have destroyed any other normal person.

But this strong lady continues to work selflessly for her country. And with a smile.

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Pass the ion

Pass the ion

Published September 27, 2022

The entirety of the Gita can be divided into just 3 words, if we go by what is in verses 10 and 11 of the 10th chapter.

What are these 3 words?

  1. Passion – which is how we should be working, with passion, aka karma yoga
  2. Compassion – the way the Lord looks at us, the way our Guru looks at us
  3. Dispassion – which is vairagya, or living unattached. Not uninterested, but disinterested.

What a brilliant triad isn’t it?!

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More and more

More and more

Published July 1, 2022

The other day, I came across a book in a bookstore (yes those still exist!).

It was partially covered, and so I only saw half the title.

The words were “Ask For More”.

I thought to myself, “What a weird title!”, and then proceeded to pick up the book out of interest.

Turns out, the title was actually “Say Less, Ask More”. It was not ‘ask “for” more’. That was just my mind playing tricks on me. Not just tricks, but working in its usual ways of wanting more and more.

The book instead was on how to lead effectively. By listening more, saying less, and asking more questions so that learning improves. Nice isn’t it?

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The art of war

The art of war

Published June 21, 2022

Was reading about a war situation. One family of 6, two parents and 4 of their children, were stuck in their home as war broke out. They thought they were safe, until an enemy missile exploded barely 500 meters away from their home.

They dashed into their car and decided to make a run for the border. Only 5 of them though. Because the eldest, at 18 years of age, decided to stay back and fight for his country.

The other 5 somehow managed to reach the border, staying in all sorts of temporary encampments enroute. With great difficulty, they crossed over into the neighbouring country.

The husband ensured his family was safe, and the next morning began the drive back home, to join his son in the fight. Whether the wife and 3 kids would ever see their husband/father/brother/son again, was a question no one had the answer to…

Meanwhile, what silly tiny immaterial problem in my life was I complaining about again today morning?

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Chanakya Neeti – part 1 of 3

Chanakya Neeti – part 1 of 3

Published March 31, 2022

Just a few lovely takeaways from The Real Chanakya! (a book published by a Dheeraj Publications, and it does not name an author)

  1. The tongue is the greatest war monger. Silence is another name for tolerance, and a guarantee for peace.
  2. There is no question of putting faith in a bad friend. Even a good friend should be kept away from your personal and business secrets. These secrets can be used against you anytime.
  3. One must always assess oneself frequently. This practice will help the person take corrective actions in time to avoid any crisis.
  4. Troubles should be feared till they don’t come in front of us. Make efforts to avert them. But if they come, forget fear, and fight instead.
  5. A frank person can’t be a cheat because cheating needs secrecy and double talk. Polite talking needs cleverness cultivated through education.

Some more brilliant Chanakya thoughts tomorrow!

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Emoshunned – part 3 of 4

Emoshunned – part 3 of 4

Published March 15, 2022

We may use disappointed and sad interchangeably. But are they both the same?

Apparently not. If there is a lot of expectation behind the negative emotion, then that would classify as disappointment. We really expected something to do very well, and that not taking place would leave us disappointed, not sad.

Why is this important? Because if you don’t know the illness, how would you know what medicine to take?

If you are sad, then maybe watching a comedy movie might make you feel light again. But if you are disappointed, it might be better to come to terms with our lofty expectations in the first place.

Another simple example is the difference between jealousy and envy. Honestly, I always thought the two were the same!

Apparently envy is wanting what the other person has. Like someone bought a brand new car, and now I envy them. And jealousy? That is when I already have something, but fear losing it to someone else. Like I have a car, but I’m jealous of my neighbour who I believe can easily buy two such cars if he wanted to. This would kill my perceived status in the way I view society.

We are weird, I know, but it is what it is! Closure tomorrow…

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Kids on the wall

Kids on the wall

Published February 27, 2022

The Ukrainian President Mr. Zelensky is being celebrated world over for his bravery and selflessness. No one knows what will happen in this terrible ongoing onslaught, but I wish there could be peace instead of war. Just imagine, we are in the year 2022, with mind boggling advancements and comforts in nearly every conceivable sphere, and yet what we see is only more greed and more desire for power.

Mr. Zelensky, when he was elected in 2019, apparently said in his speech, that he didn’t want his photos put up in the offices. “The President is not an icon, an idol or a portrait. Hang photos of your kids instead… “

Just for suspense, I’m not completing the last sentence.

My Guru used to give the following advice to parents, “Stop hanging photos of your kids on your walls at home. Because your kids will start believing that they are the centers of attention, that they are being worshipped in the house. Hang photos of Gods/deities instead.”

Is this contradictory? No no, of course not. Here is Mr. Zelensky’s full sentence. “Hang photos of your kids instead, so that you see their faces each time before you make an important decision (so that you do no wrong).”

My Guru’s tactic was aimed at the kids, while Mr. Zelensky’s message was for the adults.

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Gold-digger

Gold-digger

Published February 7, 2022

Andrew Carnegie is a name you might be familiar with. He was a steel magnate who lived in the US in the 1800s. An absolute rags to riches story, if there was one.

Wikipedia says that during the last 18 years of his life, he gave away ~$350 million (or $5.2 billion in today’s terms), almost 90% of his fortune, to charities, foundations and universities. You must have heard of the Carnegie Mellon University? Or the Carnegie Corporation of New York? These, and many more, were founded by the same Mr. Carnegie.

Like any other famous personality, he too was involved in some controversies, but that isn’t relevant for this post. What I really liked though, is a story about how he dealt with people.

Someone asked him this question. His reply? That dealing with people was like digging for gold. To get one ounce of gold, we need to dig through tonnes of dirt. But when we go digging, we don’t go looking for the dirt first. Rather we go looking only for the gold.

What a wonderful thought, which we can apply to the way we deal with those around us as well! Instead of constantly looking at or for the flaws that people have, focusing on their goodness, on the gold inside them, would be the secret sauce to developing outstanding relationships.

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#filterout

#filterout

Published January 8, 2022

“Land sales tops US$ 100 million in one week”

This was the headline that grabbed my attention recently. I thought about it for a split second. Come on, 100 million is big, but not that big. Surely many billionaire businessmen and celebrities would have many mansions all over the world and 100 million would be consumed in an instant. And that’s when I noticed the land sales happened in the… metaverse. Wow.

Yes, we’ve all been reading more and more about the metaverse these past several months. Some virtual reality world where avatars can come together to do various things. I don’t understand this stuff well, but a 100 million bucks for land in the virtual world? Wow that sounds like a lot of people have gone cuckoo.

But still, these transactions happened, and many years later, I’ll probably have to eat my words as well.

Indeed, everything has become virtual now. People don’t even speak to each other, greet other or see eye to eye. It’s all done on social media. Nothing wrong with this of course. Except that life on SM is totally filtered. All bad stuff is filtered out. And all good stuff (including every imperfection being neutralized) is amplified. Much like Hollywood kissing scenes right after waking up in the morning, because their mouths presumably auto-brush themselves when their eyes open.

It’s important to periodically remind ourselves what constitutes reality and what doesn’t.

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Are you a leader? – part 2 of 2

Are you a leader? – part 2 of 2

Published January 6, 2022

As a leader, what is expected of us? In verse 21 of chapter 3 of the Gita, Lord Krishna says the following.

"Whatever a great man does, other men also do. Whichever standard he sets, the world follows it."

This is a very interesting shloka, and it seems like a motivational quote for one’s goal setting, doesn’t it? We should all have great goals, be great leaders, so that people follow in our footsteps. But that’s not all.

Krishna in this verse is also talking about Himself. Is he subjected to the same rules? He says he is! Isn’t He also constantly working to keep the universe running? Brahma creating, Vishnu sustaining, Shiva destroying, in a sense?

My Guru would be another example – an already-realized soul, but why is he working so hard? Why would he need to do aarti thrice a day? Why would he choose to live his life in a rural setting to help educate the poor? Why would he need to wake up at 5 am daily to do yoga? Why does he work 7 days a week 365 days a year?

Because as Krishna says, “whatever a great man does, other men also do. Whichever standard he sets, the world follows it.” What are each one of us doing? What are we striving to achieve? It is a question we need to answers for ourselves, and honestly.

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Are you a leader? – part 1 of 2

Are you a leader? – part 1 of 2

Published January 5, 2022

Yes you are. One way or another. How, you ask?

Because you are a son/daughter/mother/father/brother/sister/colleague/friend, and that too a one of a kind.

As a parent, your kids look up to you as their leader.

As the one running the household, your spouse looks up to you.

As the one running the family, your family members look up to you.

As a guide for life, your siblings look up to you.

As a mentor, your employees look up to you.

As a shoulder to rest upon, your friends rely on you.

Aren’t you thus a born leader? Aren’t we all?

Now that we understand this, how should we conduct ourselves? Lord Krishna has a clear directive for each one of us. Coming tomorrow… stay tuned!

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Laptop delivery

Laptop delivery

Published January 2, 2022

Here’s an incident which happened a while ago, but quickly taught me the importance of being humble.

In a previous avatar, I was once called by someone from the tech support team. This person told me that my superboss had asked for me to bring his laptop to him, from his desk, to a meeting room where he was sitting then.

Surely this was not my job – delivering laptops!

But (luckily) I didn’t think twice about it, walked across the room, picked up his laptop, and took it to the meeting room where he was. When I knocked and went in, my superboss was surprised too, and said, “Hey, you’re here? I’m so sorry, I didn’t ask you to bring my laptop over, I think the tech support guy misunderstood me. I told him to have someone get my laptop to me, and then have it sent to you for the specific task we discussed today morning.”

I quickly replied, “Not at all a problem sir…”, and then he cut me off and motioned towards another gentleman seated in the meeting room, “Please meet Mr. ABC, who is the owner of a large chain of jewellery stores.” And he invited me to sit down. Turned out that we both spoke the same mother tongue, which led to an interesting conversation. My superboss invited me back to the room a while later as his guest wanted to convey something only in the mother tongue, which he was unable to translate otherwise.

If I’d just thought “What the heck, why should I be the laptop courier?”, surely such an interesting experience wouldn’t have transpired!

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Rugged

Rugged

Published December 16, 2021

“Your network determines your networth.” This is a quote many of us would have heard. And it’s true, at least anecdotally. We know people with ‘connections‘ tend to have their way – whether jobs, promotions, access to events or to information.

So the ability to network could be called a superpower. However, most people hate it. Even the ones who are good at it. Going to conferences, and putting up a facade of being someone cool with drink-in-hand… nope, not easy.

So what is the gap here? First, a story, that I heard on an Adam Grant’s WorkLife podcast. An Iranian refugee in America with next to no money in hand, ended up being a successful VC investor. How? Simply because he focused on improving his own carpet making skills. This in turn led to him being sought out by people. How’s that possible? Here’s how. Back in his home country, he sold rugs. And given these were often collected as pieces of art, it attracted a lot of rich buyers. Said refugee’s knowledge of the rugs led to many interesting conversations that lasted hours, and let to unexpected door openings, one of which led to him becoming an advisor at a VC firm.

The takeaway is not really to become an expert on rugs, but rather to realize that networking is all about what we can offer to the other person. It’s a give, not a take.

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Upside warrior

Upside warrior

Published December 3, 2021

There’s a very interesting book I’ve been reading called The Way of the Wall Street Warrior by Dave Liu (link). It’s got some amazing tips and tricks on rising up the corporate ladder – quite possibly the best book that exists on this specific topic. While the title has ‘Wall Street’ in it, the book can arguably be useful in ‘Whatever Street’, as the author himself suggests.

We’ve all heard of Michael Corleone’s “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” super statement in the epic movie The Godfather.

Dave goes one step further, and integrates his own learnings, i.e. there’s no point having enemies. Instead, have only two buckets: friends, and very good friends!

Why? Because having enemies is hard work. You’ve to constantly watch over your back. And tackling one enemy might not seem daunting. But what if they all gang up on you? Scary story. Besides, as the author asserts, having enemies means substantial downside and zero upside. But having friends? There’s only upside, even if it may not be immediately obvious.

So then, how does one go about winning friends? We’ve seen the solutions many times here on ForeverHappyNow. The smartcut from Dave? Be nice; listen more; be genuinely interested in others; try to help others – easy isn’t it?

Do read the book. It is very cool and very funny (and this is not a paid endorsement) 🙂

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Control freaks

Control freaks

Published November 21, 2021

Control, control, control. Everyone wants to control.

Boss wants to control his employees. Big boss wants to control the mid level bosses. Junior fellows try to exert control over the new recruits, who in turn try to control the interns.

Employees in general hate the upper echelon control freaks. And so they want to start-up, be their own bosses. Only to realize, that there too, the control lies with the customer, because as we all know, customer is king.

Even the CEO lives a shackled life, his doings controlled by the Board of Directors. The Board themselves, are controlled by the shareholders. The shareholders are controlled by the whims and fancies of the market, and at other times by the opulence exhibited by other shareholders.

Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law wonder who exerts more control, while the men of the family think they are in control. What they often control is only the twirl of their moustaches! And the kids? Surely the kids are controlled by the parents no? Spend enough time with a young brat and you will quickly see where the control centre lies. But they too are controlled by schools, exams, the rat race, and life in general.

All in all, the external cannot be controlled. Hence the need to look internal.

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Advisory

Advisory

Published November 19, 2021

So here’s an age old conundrum. Say someone you know well is doing something wrong. Maybe the best friend is making a mistake, with his wasting habits. Maybe it’s the son who isn’t being respectful of his old parents. Maybe it is a newly wed bride who isn’t doing her duties well enough. Maybe its a new mom who isn’t caring for her baby as much. Or maybe a husband is not treating his wife well enough. The permutations and combinations are many, but the question is the same.

“As someone who is seeing these wrongdoings happen, is it not my duty to go and correct them? Or at least tell them what to do?”

While we are caught up in that moment, it might certainly seem like we should do something. But little good comes from poking our noses in anything unsolicited.

Picture this. No one asked for your advice. Yet you went ahead and gave it. The other person didn’t like it, and asked you not to meddle. Or the other person liked it, but didn’t give you any credit. In any case, no one beyond a certain age (say 15) likes ‘to be told’ anything. So your advice, even if the best solution for their problem, results only in friction.

And as the giver of advice, we may think we are being detached by not worrying about whether the other person accepts it or not, acts on it or not. But if that is the case, then we should truly never think of or speak of whether the advice was implemented or not. Are we strong enough for that?

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In the well

In the well

Published October 10, 2021

Many conversations today go like this.

“Hey man. All well?”
“Yes, all well. And you, all well?”
“Yes, yes, all well here too.”

Could there be a more banal way to communicate? I’m probably the guilty-est of such conversations. Even just calling these ‘conversations’ itself is doing the word a disservice. 🙂

As anyone who has mastered the art of forging deep connections will tell you, the trick lies entirely in asking the right questions, and then sitting back and listening. That’s what makes an outstanding conversationalist. The ability to ask and listen, and not the ability to speak. Counterintuitive, isn’t it?

That is indeed the true power of questions. As Dale Carnegie famously said, “Don’t try to be interesting, try to be interested instead.”

Can we perhaps substitute “All well?” with: “How are you?”, “Where are you from?” (nice and open ended!), “What are you working on these days” (everyone is working on something), “What’s changing in your life?”, or “What are you learning these days?”. So many options!

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Role reversal

Role reversal

Published September 20, 2021

Arjuna in the Mahabharata underwent a role reversal. He spent years and years training and performing as one of the greatest archers / warriors that ever lived. But on the day of the Kurukshetra battle, he underwent an unexpected role change.

He saw no foes or enemies, only brothers and uncles and teacher.

He was suddenly not a warrior on that battlefield, but only a family man. Can a doctor perform a high risk surgery successfully on his own child? Very difficult. Why? Because he has entered he operating theatre less as a doctor and more as a father. Can we clinch a business deal if we are constantly thinking about being with family or vacationing?

The pangs of attachment begin to play on the mind, leading to what Arjuna faced as well – delusion.

What is the solution? Before solution, must come acknowledgement of the problem. One the problem is located, the resolver is the Guru. But the resolution happens, only if the ego is surrendered to him.

As Swami Paramarthananda says, the disciple needs to first identify that a problem exists. And then the Guru needs to not only know the remedy, but also be free of the problem!

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Jumping high

Jumping high

Published September 16, 2021

In the Tokyo Olympics high-jump event, the competition was down to two finalists. Both of them jumped exactly the same height of 2.37 metres. And so it was a tie.

The officials had each of them jump again – three more times in fact. But neither Olympian was able to better the 2.37 number.

In the last and final attempt, one of the two contestants had to withdraw because of a leg injury. The other bloke now had a clear path to gold.

But in what would go down in history books as an outstanding example of parasparam bhavayantah (Gita chapter 3, verse 11, nourish one another), the healthy contestant before his final attempt, first checked if he could … wait for it … share the gold with his opponent!

The officials quickly checked and confirmed that it would be indeed be possible. He decided to forgo his final attempt, and in the video, both players are ecstatically seen hugging each other. How amazing is that? We are brought up with the notion that if we win, someone else needs to lose. But life is not a zero-sum-game. If everyone wins, that is the highest jump of them all.

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Cover page

Cover page

Published August 26, 2021

When we discuss Dale Carnegie’s (DC) amazing book How to Win Friends & Influence People in satsang, participants often ask certain types of questions. Maybe we can call these questions as extremities. Here are some examples:

  1. DC says we need to listen to the other person. But what if the other person keeps on talking and I don’t get to talk at all?
  2. DC says think from the other person’s point of view. But what if the other person doesn’t think from mine?
  3. DC says we need to smile as often as possible. But others aren’t smiling.
  4. DC says develop a genuine interest in the other person. But when do I then get to talk about my interests?

These are all valid concerns. However, our objective must be clearly understood. As the title on the book’s cover page states, this book is useful if you want to win the other person over, befriend them and / or influence them.

If this is the clear focus and objective, then we need to think: Does it matter whether I get to talk or not, or that the other person doesn’t smile or not, or that they don’t see the world from my point of view? Ideally, no!

This is DC’s decades and countless experiences’ worth of rare wisdom neatly encapsulated into a 200 page book. The real question we must be asking ourselves is – how better can I apply the learnings of this magical book to my life?

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Empavert

Empavert

Published August 11, 2021

The world loves extroverts. These people are chatty, gregarious, always have stories to tell, and seem to get along so easily.

Introverts on the other hand, seem to struggle to get along with most, and prefer to be curled up with a book rather than the centre of attention in a pub.

A book called Quiet by Susain Cain explores how introverts are actually very powerful, can think deeply and make massive contributions to the world in their own ways.

But maybe extroverts and introverts as defined by outward behaviour is irrelevant, even though that is what catches the eye. Dig a little deeper, and what may really matter is empathy.

One can make quick and superficial judgements about people looking at how they behave in public (intro or extro). But when someone goes the extra mile, out of the way to do something for someone else, that is the true basis for a sustainable relationship. In this respect, even an introvert could be an extrovert, by thinking about the other person selflessly.

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C for critical – part 3

C for critical – part 3

Published August 5, 2021

One of the most common questions asked of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People book is on criticism.

If I’m a boss, and my employee does something wrong, then why should I not criticise him/her? If my child son or daughter does something wrong, why should I not criticize / discipline them?

As we saw yesterday, criticism, hate and anger are only emotions, lead to distress, and often have the opposite outcome of what was intended.

So was Dale Carnegie wrong? Not at all.

He never said don’t ‘correct’ someone if you have to. He only said don’t ‘criticize’ someone.

Both words start with ‘c’, but have entirely different implications. If a manager shouts at his/her employee, of course the employee is going to switch-off mentally. However if the manager sits the employee down, tells him/her that they are doing well, but to rise in this organization, they need to ‘correct’ a few things, then this form of feedback is much more palatable!

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C for critical – part 2

C for critical – part 2

Published August 4, 2021

No one likes a dictatorial regime – where only one person calls the shots, much to the detriment of everyone else. But we are each dictators in our own rights.

When we receive flak or criticism from anyone, our guard immediately spikes, shoulders tighten, jaws harden, ego fires up, ears shut down, brain freezes – etc etc. exactly like a dictator would quickly shut down his country’s borders to apparently save himself from his enemies.

What do we want in life? Good results? Or good image? Of course both. But these are somewhat contradictory.

We may begin with some good results which then gives us some name and fame. But can we be right all the time? Can we guarantee the best process and results always? Hardly. Even the best workers may fall wayward. If in such times, one does not seek and implement feedback, then their results will suffer. If the results suffer, how can one maintain or even elevate their good image?

While criticism should not be given as Dale Carnegie says in his book How to Win Friends & Influence People, we on the receiving end of flak can surely train ourselves to look for the message-minus-emotion. Concluded tomorrow…

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C for critical

C for critical

Published August 3, 2021

Many years ago, a boss I had, got angry at me. It wasn’t just a passing one, but the type where the other person goes red in the face.

I was new to the team, yet to figure out its workings, and also tired from working literally 24×7.

But it wasn’t enough, and I was reprimanded constantly. Needless to say, I resigned from that job in about 6 months time.

Cut to today, and I don’t remember anything about why exactly I was scolded and picked on so much by that boss.

What were those 2-3 typos in the 100-deck presentation, or the slide sequence that he didn’t like, or the one tab in the excel sheet which was formatted slightly differently from the other 30? I have no recollection whatsoever.

Despite spending 6 months there (i.e. 6 months x 24 x 7), I cannot even remember what projects I worked on during that time – and there were many!

But one thing that keeps coming back? Those scenes of anger and finger-pointing. The humiliation I felt. The incompetence I felt. The inability of the other person to communicate well. It was all devastating.

The emotion remained, but the message disappeared. So is criticism really the answer? Continued tomorrow…

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Baby steps 2

Baby steps 2

Published August 1, 2021

Becoming an ‘uncle’ brings with it the unmatched pleasure of enjoying the purest of all creation – babies! When they smile and gurgle, we forget all our worldly problems.

And everyone wants to cuddle with a happy baby. It’s an absolute delight to lift the cute bundle of joy and coochee-coo.

Until the wailing begins that is. Pacifying a one month old can be quite the task. Because they can’t speak or communicate, there’s no way to know why they’re crying. Is it hunger? Gas? Positional discomfort? Inability to sleep? Fear? Silence? Too much noise? It’s impossible to tell.

And in those times, an outsider will quickly hand the baby back to the mother or father and bolt for the door. But the difficult part is staying the course, pacifying the baby, comforting it, and transforming that mood from sombre to sweet.

Surely the parallel to life is obvious. How many times are we put in challenging situations? And how many times do we run away, versus stick on and find a solution?

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Baby steps

Baby steps

Published July 31, 2021

Here’s a new title that got added to my name recently. ‘Uncle’. No, not the kids in the neighborhood who’ve been seeing my grey hair and calling me uncle for years 😂. This time, it’s for real. There are two lovely baby nieces who’ve entered this funny and amazing world we are in.

There’s some cool stuff we can learn being with them. One of the things I struggle with – is managing emotions of other people. If someone gets angry or spews something at me, it’s instinctive almost to react. Either defend or attack, just to say something, anything.

When you’ve got a one month old baby on your shoulder – one of three things are going to be on you sooner than later – peepee, poopoo or vomit. The one thing you just cannot do in such a situation, is to react. The baby is so fragile and needs such delicate handling, that it’s an amazing lesson in just living in the moment and accepting the situation as it is. This is not about not sitting around without cleaning up. Rather it is about taking a pause and letting them emotions settle down, before doing something.

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Placebo

Placebo

Published July 13, 2021

We know the placebo effect. For those who are sick, sometimes even just pills that have nothing in them seems to do the trick.

The recent vaccination drives for Covid also has led people to talk about this. “I had no side effects whatsoever. Maybe I was just given saline, who knows, haha.”

There are many other placebos in life too.

Like the presence of a mother for her baby. The baby crawls a few steps ahead, and then turns back to check if the mom is looking. And then crawls forward again. The crawling is done by the baby only, not the mommy.

Keeping the light on, for someone afraid of the dark, is a similar example. What lurks in the dark would lurk in the light too. But the light gives comfort.

On calls, sometimes we can’t hear the other side clearly. And we let them know. And the other party after 5 seconds says, “Is it better now?”, without having done a thing.

Placebos abound, and they are good. Especially from a mental health point of view. Sometimes, many times, we cannot be of any real help. But just being there, even as a statue, if someone really needs us, that passive presence can make all the difference in the world to them.

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Securing the crown

Securing the crown

Published July 7, 2021

There is an amazing scene in the Netflix drama The Crown, which is based on Queen Elizabeth’s life. No spoilers ahead, I think 🙂

In season 2 episode 8, when John F Kennedy travels to the UK, they meet the Queen and her husband. It’s not just the Queen who’s the lead female though. More than JFK, it is Mrs. Kennedy that has got everyone’s heads turning. Smart, charming, beautiful, dazzling, intelligent, a brilliant conversationalist – on and on her admirers go. So much so that even the Queen’s husband is desperate to get a seat near Mrs. K at the lavish dinner table.

But the (dinner) tables do turn, and make for provoking thought. The Queen is extremely uncomfortable. Why? Because she feels threatened by her adversary. Although she’s not really even her adversary is she? One is the Queen of Great Britain, the other a First Lady of another country. And for crying out loud, she is the Queen! She has everything and more anyone could ever ask for. There ought not to be any comparison at all!

Therein lies the catch. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have – even if you are the proverbial (or literal) Queen of England. If there is something you do not have however, and if someone else has it, then that immediately takes the Crown (figuratively only :)). What Mrs. K had, the Queen lacked, or so she thought, and the power of insecurity rises to the fore in some wonderful acting. What the Queen doesn’t realize at the time, is that Mrs. K too has her own share of insecurities. Wow, the two most powerful women in the world back in the 1960s, had so many insecurities…

This is not to poke fun – no, not at all. But just a reminder, that deep down, we are all human, and suffer the same human biases. If we can control the mind, that is much better than having a head with a crown on it.

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Critiques

Critiques

Published June 18, 2021

Author Dale Carnegie of the bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People says “Criticize in private, but praise in public.” We saw this nearly a year ago here.

It might seem like obvious advice, but do not be fooled by its simplicity. Just recently, I was part of a call, which had one senior person pulling up several others for something not done by them. The big boss of many of those being picked on was also present on the call.

To be sure, the person pointing the finger was by no means wrong – he had his facts straight – the accused had been tardy, they had not done their work well, they had not informed their superiors about gaps in the information and so on.

But did any of that matter? Not one bit. The call quickly morphed into a verbal brawl, with people supporting themselves, and proving why they were right and then heaping accusations back and forth. Could have just had some nice popcorn on the side and …

But really, it is so hard to put this advice into practise I suppose. It might seem like it takes longer to have 1-on-1 calls with five people rather than just lambaste 5 people on one call. But the negative effects of that one badly organized call can be far worse, as was the case. Preferably, never criticize at all, but if it must be done, then it can be done with empathy, in private, with examples from one’s own life as well, and also leading by example. That would be true leadership.

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Quattro-manageria

Quattro-manageria

Published June 17, 2021

According to Harvard Business Review, there are 4 types of Managers. These are Teacher, Cheerleader, Always-on and Connector.

Without knowing anything about these except their names, I’d have thought either the cheerleader or the teacher would be the best. Why? Because the cheerleader manager probably cheers you on, encourages you and appreciates your work. Great way to be motivated and move ahead don’t you think? While the teacher manager might be there to teach you whatever you need to know, and help in your learning process.

The definition of an always-on manager is one who available at any time for questions, feedback or even to just listen. But apparently it’s the connector manager who is the best of all the four.

The connector manager helps by making the most of his/her network – whether with another team member, partner, customer, friend etc. in order to expand the spectrum of teachers you have at your disposal. This is because such a manager realizes it’s impossible for one person to know everything.

The outcome? Apparently connector managers build the strongest, most effective teams, tripling the likelihood that direct reports will be high performers and boost employee engagement by 40%. Pretty impressive!

My takeaway is to try and live the life of a connector-manager for the benefit of everyone around me – irrespective of whether I manage a team at work or not. What do you think? How will you implement this? All suggestions welcome.

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Art of Connecting

Art of Connecting

Published June 11, 2021

Just finished reading an interesting book by Susan McGregor called The Lost Art of Connecting. Indeed this is something most people are struggling with today. Not just because we live in a locked-down world, or an online-over-offline world, but also because we’ve become more and more self-obsessed. So much so that we rarely seek the need to go out and connect with people. Even at the dinner table, most family members connect only with their screens.

Susan’s premise is simple, and similar to what my Guru says about where success comes from. “It is the increased ability to deal with people, and studies have shown that 85% of success can be attributed to this ability, with only the balance 15% being technical education.”

The author suggests that every meeting or discussion with the other person, no matter how important to you, must always be approached with one and only one question in mind – “How can I be of help to that person?” Sounds counterintuitive at first. She says that if this question is answered, it will cement the relationship – because now even though you came in to the meeting for your own business requirement, you now leave with a valuable connection – one that transcends something simply transactional and ephemeral.

No doubt, it will take effort to answer this question – we cant just blaze into any meeting and say “Hey CEO, how can I help you” because we may not have much to help them with in the first place. So this will require thought, leaning on other connections, understanding what the other person really needs/wants etc. Listening is unbelievably important of course – and key to figuring out what others want. Good book, and certainly a refreshing way to think about conversations and relationships!

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Tough times

Tough times

Published May 26, 2021

There are times when it might seem like everything is going against us. It is good to take on any adversity head-on though with this one thought that occurs to only the most spiritual of beings – “Thank you God/Universe for putting me in this position rather than anyone else. Because at least I will be able to bear this situation and it’s consequences, while those around me if subjected to the very same thing, may not survive.”

At other times, those close to you might be going through a tough time. This could be deep rooted karmic retribution at play. Who can really tell, except perhaps those who have truly Realized? In any case, it might seem like there is nothing we can do to help alleviate the pain. At least physically, yes.

But mentally, and emotionally? We can do many things. One, paramount, is prayer. A wonderful opportunity to not just pray, but pray for someone other than always selfishly for ourselves!

There’s a brilliant video I came across recently. A barber got to know that his client was diagnosed with cancer. The client’s hair had begun falling, thanks to chemotherapy. As the client begins to get his head shaved, the barber intermittently shaves his own head too. What a lovely way to show that he cares! The client is moved to tears.

The tag at the end of the video sums it up beautifully. “That’s not your barber anymore, that’s your brother.”

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Masculinity

Masculinity

Published May 11, 2021

There’s an excellent interview on Youtube of ex-US President Mr. Barack Obama. It’s a very short clip – hardly two minutes long. He is quizzed on what masculinity is, what it means to be macho. Mr. Obama’s response, as expected of him, is simple yet profound.

He says that “a man doesn’t need eight women around you twerking to show their masculinity”. When we see most music videos / ads / movies / magazines / item numbers in songs etc. – they all seem to capture this exact theme – machoism and womanizing.

Instead, Mr. Obama clarifies that what makes a good man, is “first and foremost being a good human being and that means being responsible, being reliable, working hard, being kind, being respectful, being compassionate. The notion that being a man is to put somebody down rather than lift them up is an old view.”

Such a lovely thought, isn’t it? In the spirit of equality, no doubt this applies to women as well – because at the core of this life of ours, we are all human beings first.

We become great when we make others around us great, and this starts by treating them as though they are already great.

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Divorced from reality

Divorced from reality

Published May 5, 2021

The world’s richest man? Divorced.

The world’s second richest man – divorced thrice previously.

The world’s third richest man – also getting a divorce now.

No this is not to suggest that if one is super rich, then hanging on to the spouse is difficult. It may very well be the case. But that is besides the point.

Each of these individuals must have gone through some pretty trying times – having a rough relationship can make one just feel like running away from it all. To where? To nowhere, but just away from everything. Can you imagine running away from everything when the whole world is watching you, tracking your every move?

The questions we need to ask are – how much money is useful in success? what is success to us? If we make a lot of money, but struggle with family life, is that still considered success? Is your success defined by you, or by those around you? Do you define your success based on what you want, or based on what you think others want for you? Do others really want anything for you? Time to ponder…

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Chilled out

Chilled out

Published April 30, 2021

There’s a simple lesson my Guru taught me once. It’s hard for someone like me to apply – given I prefer to be the silent observer, and rein my emotions in tightly.

One satsang had got over, and there were a few of us standing and talking. I was doing more of the listening, not the talking. There were a couple of people in the group who were cracking jokes one after the other, following up with roaring laughter and in general keeping the spirits of the group high.

Guruji pointed at those happy fellows and told me, “These guys are great conversationalists. These are the people who can strike up conversations anywhere, and build outstanding relationships with the maximum number of people. You need to be like this too. You know why they are able to do it? Because these guys are living in the moment. How can you joke about something in-the-moment, if you are constantly thinking about something that happened in the past, or is likely to happen (or not) in the future?”

Apt lesson for me indeed.

And it is no surprise that “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”

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PR / FAQ

PR / FAQ

Published April 24, 2021

PR / FAQ. It stands for Press Release / Frequently Asked Questions.

Surely we’ve all seen these before. When a new service or product is launched, it comes along with a PR / FAQ. The former announces the launch to some detail, while the latter explains some of the nuances that are not immediately obvious.

What is awesome, is that any new product in Amazon (world’s largest company by market-cap ~US$ 1.6 Trn at the time of this writing) begins with PR/FAQ. Begins, not ends. They call it ‘working backwards’. So this is the first step in the creation process instead of typically being the last! They do this because they begin with customer delight and customer experience as the focus. Writing a PR/FAQ upfront highlights to them everything they want the end product or service to feel like, the features it should have, the final look and feel etc. It also gives them full clarity on what the final product should be – right at the start.

This is completely the opposite of what many people set out to do, and I would be the first on that list. When given a task, I prefer to jump right in and begin ‘working’, than pause to think and reflect. This means I might go into several loops of making mistakes, and wasting much time correcting them – mainly because the roadmap isn’t clear.

Starting with PR/FAQ can be applied in many other ways too. For instance, it can help visualize a goal (whether work-oriented, or otherwise) and prepare one’s schedule or timetable and flesh out the details. It can also help with relationships because it gives clarity upfront, rather than postponing important discussions and conversations. The important thing is to begin with customer delight / partner delight / other-person delight, the rest will follow. I also like that when said quickly, it sounds like ‘perfect’ – i.e. “pr/faq” 🙂

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Open mouth please

Open mouth please

Published April 19, 2021

Here is a common two-threaded problem we each face at some point. We just had a really rough week at work and want nothing more than to plunge into a soft bed with head hitting a even softer pillow. But your spouse or significant other has just told you that they plan to take you out for a romantic candle-lit dinner. Normally this would be an awesome plan, but not today – all you want is to bury your face in that feathery pillow!

What to do then? Maybe you could go along with the spouse to dinner. But that could leave you totally exhausted. Or else, you could take a rain check. And that could have consequences – partner dejected, you feeling guilty etc. It seems like there are only two choices, and that both are suboptimal.

But are there really only two choices?

No, there is a third. This is called Hamlet’s quandary, i.e. to share or not to share. We often get stuck in this quandary. Instead of trying to resolve this problem on our own, the third option would be to name the dilemma. “Darling I really want to go with you for dinner and I really appreciate you planning this for me on the back of my really rough week, but I’m super exhausted today. Could we figure out something that will work for both of us?”

This third more communicative choice, is likely to open up a new range of possibilities and outcomes. This is useful not just at home, but even in the workplace. Like when we have too much work already, but the boss wants us to work on the weekend. Or a client has asked for some important information, but we do not have the resources yet. The bottom-line is this, sharing more with people can increase our vulnerability, but that could potentially result in a much deeper connection with the other person. And this third choice is often overlooked.

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Razor sharp

Razor sharp

Published April 18, 2021

There are a couple of ‘razors’ worth knowing about. Not the ones we use to cut hair or shave. But some basic principles we can use to make better decisions. The first is Occam’s razor, and the second is Hanlon’s razor. Easy concepts, but useful.

  1. Occam’s Razor: Simple is best. Simple is beautiful. That’s the gist. In an increasingly VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) world, we tend to fall for the complicated. If a financial get-rich-quick-scheme sounds complicated and hence attractive, it is probably dubious if not heinous. Likewise when people speak complex jargon, we think they are intelligent. Occam’s razor says that when you weigh alternative hypotheses, the one with the least assumptions should be chosen. Of course, not everything can be simplified as H.L. Mencken said, “For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” But the idea is to reach the optimal solution with the least confusion.
  2. Hanlon’s Razor: This one is very useful in all sorts of relationships. Maybe we asked someone for some help a few times, and they just don’t get back to us? We immediately get frustrated and think the person doesn’t like us, or that there is some other negative intent. Hanlon’s razor however says that before assuming negative intent, there is probably a viable alternative explanation – like ignorance, incompetence, lack of time or different core-beliefs. By thinking in these ways, the important thing is we transform our minds to having more happier fulfilling relationships. Here too a caveat exists: There are a small section of people who might indeed have ill-intent, and there we need to be careful, of course.

    Finally, if you were wondering why these are called ‘razors’, that’s because using these is likely to help cut through the noise and clutter.

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The one formula for success

The one formula for success

Published April 12, 2021

In his amazing book How to Win Friends and Influence People, author Dale Carnegie (DC) shares some amazing lessons on how to … well exactly what the book titles says!

It’s not a very large book, but it is divided into 6 parts, and a total of 37 chapters, each addressing one specific focus area for introspection, improvement and application.

Out of all these, DC himself says in part 4 chapter 8, that if there is only one thing that we take away from the entire book, then it is this one formula. Here is that paragraph reproduced verbatim.

If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing - an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person's point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as your own - if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.

Just imagine that. We think success is all about us, our hard work and meeting our targets and what not. Sure these are important, but there are millions of people doing all these things already – but they rarely rise to the top. Because they are too often focused only on themselves. DC has the solution. We only need to implement.

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Scales

Scales

Published April 10, 2021

We are often faced with situations where we need good constructive feedback.

Maybe you’ve written a poem or an article, but don’t know how well it’ll be received. Or you’ve got an idea – which you plan to discuss with the higher-ups, but are not sure if it’ll fly. Or maybe you just want to know if the dress you’re planning to wear is good. Perhaps we just want to know if the way we spoke at an important meeting was alright.

The reasons for seeking feedback could be many. But the challenge of receiving it is the same. Most responses will just be, “Yes, it was good.” or “Yes, it was nice.” What does one do with such generic feel-gooders?

I came across a nice hack which I feel is very useful. Instead of asking people whether they liked something or not, ask them to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. And tell them that 7 is not an option. And also ask them what it would take to get their rating up to a 10. You’ll be surprised by how much more specific and constructive the feedback can be!

One word of caution though, if your wife tries to use this tactic on you, the right answer is always 11. Kidding! Or not! 🙂

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Swayed by action

Swayed by action

Published April 7, 2021

Are we swayed often by the sweet words of others? Or perhaps by their inspirational and motivational call-to-action words? It is natural to get swayed by those who speak well. But it would do good to separate the walkers of the their path from simply the talkers. And the world is full of the latter.

One such example is in the world of investing. Twitter is full of them, as is perhaps Reddit too in recent days. Recommendations fly fast and wide on which stocks to buy and which to sell. Newbie investors get easily carried away – often investing the entirety of their hard earned savings, only to realize it was either a ponzi scheme or worse.

As Nassim Nicholas Taleb of Black Swan fame says, “Never ask anyone for their opinion, forecast, or recommendation. Just ask them what they have – or don’t have – in their portfolios.”

This is easily extended to non-investment real life as well. As Rene Descartes put it, “To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.”

This simple principle can be used to find the right mentors, guides, friends, colleagues, business partners and any others with whom you need to build a long term relationship. If they do not walk the talk, then it is only talk.

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Free size

Free size

Published February 3, 2021

Here’s the thing about self-help and spirituality. One size rarely fits all. The goal is the same – to attain moksha or liberation. But the paths are many. Krishna tells Arjuna about karma yoga, bhakti yoga and jnana yoga in the Gita. Even within these, the actual methods to be followed could be different. One might see great success following a 15-minute meditation plan a day. Others might struggle despite an hour of chanting.

In Dale Carnegie’s (DC) How to Win Friends and Influence People, there is a superb statement. The secret he says, is to interest people and build in them a genuine want, if you need them to do something for you. He gives a couple of solid examples too – such as how to get an irate tenant to pay his full rent rather than leave midway, and how a poor newspaper owner got a celebrity to write a star column on his paper.

But as he himself says, a common pushback would be, “Hey these examples are fine, but do these principles work for the tough monsters I have to face in my daily life?”

Here is DC’s amazing response. “You may be right. Nothing will work in all cases. And nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, then why change? If you are not satisfied, then why not experiment?”

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Extrama

Extrama

Published January 24, 2021

We had an interesting discussion during satsang a few days ago. It was on a topic called Unlawful Love, authored by Thiruvalluvar in the Kural. The author has written with such emphasis, “It may seem all too easy to err with another’s wife, but the disgrace will be irredeemable for all time”.

There are so many examples of people ruining themselves and their images, simply because they couldn’t control themselves. Ravana lusting after Sita, Shantanu (nearly on his death-bed) lusting for the fisherwoman Satyavati, the Bill Clinton – Monica Lewinsky affair, Tiger Woods and his extra maritals – the list goes on.

This is perhaps not so different from discontentment with our money, gadgets, cars, houses etc. We just want more and more. And quickly get bored. We can probably replace a car or gadget with a newer model, but doing that with a wife / husband? Treacherous!

The challenge lies in the motive behind marriage. For most, it is purely physical, maybe a little emotional. To find someone who can act as a bottomless pit for their partner’s worries and troubles of life. But the wisdom of the ancients suggest that marriage primarily had a deeply spiritual component. The word vivaah in Sanskrit I’ve read means ‘to flow together’. Flow where? Towards liberation, which is the dharma of each individual. Interesting also then is that the sanskrit word for wife is dharmapatni.

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Lending a ear

Lending a ear

Published December 21, 2020

Back in the 80s when the Internet was first created, people scarcely understood its potential. What is ubiquitous today, wasn’t obvious back then. Why did they think it was doomed to fail? Was it because technology was not ready yet? Not at all. It was because they assumed that creating content would be the work of the large corporations. So a Netscape or a Microsoft would have to create content and put it on the web.

Fast forward to today, and we know who the true content creators are, don’t we? Still unsure? Head over to YouTube, or the billions of blogs on Medium or WordPress, or the millions of webstores on Instagram or Facebook. Not just social media, but ‘social’ itself has become a thing. Stand up comedy has proliferated, as has 360 degree feedback processes. What is it that unites these? All of these are platforms that enable people to have a voice. They are so endearing because there is someone on the other side who is listening.

In the Kural, Thiruvalluvar says that the crown of all wealth a man can have is the art of listening. Despite knowing about the benefits of listening, people rarely listen. Group Discussions in MBA selection rounds are all ‘fishmarkets’ with the loudest prevailing over the rest. Is this the best way to select and groom future leaders? No surprise then that even in office calls today, most people end up cutting others mid-sentence. They also add, as if to sound cool, “Sorry to interrupt you, but here’s what I believe…”, or “Sorry to interject, but my view is…”. Would you like to be interrupted while speaking? Would anyone?

Listening needn’t just be about others. In today’s action-packed stress-laced world, we hardly listen to ourselves, our body and mind’s needs. This is not to say we must indulge ourselves, but we are mostly running after what will make us look good in the eyes of others. Instead, we could stop to listen to our hearts and evaluate what is right for us, rather than for thy neighbour.

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LMGBTY

LMGBTY

Published November 26, 2020

No this acronym is not about partner orientation.

These 6 words make up the most under used and under appreciated phrase in the English language.

“Let me get back to you.”

Oh the number of times I have made terrible decisions simply because I thought I had to give an answer right away. Almost never do we actually need to answer on the spot, apart from maybe a job interview. And then too, we can always take time to think about the ‘longer-term’ questions, such as on salary, benefits, relocation, change of role etc. Because rarely in life is anything so pressingly important.

Here are a few examples. When the husband gets an invite to a party he knows his wife doesn’t like – but he still impulsively says yes. When the boss asks you to finish a project over the weekend, and this weekend is for taking the kids out, but you still impulsively say ‘yes’. When the recruiter asks if you can join immediately, and you know you have a non-negotiable notice period, but still say ‘yes’. The answers to these questions may be driven by impulse, or even by fear – as though taking the time to think will lead to something disastrous – like losing a friend or a job. If it comes to that, it’s probably not the right job or friendship in the first place. On the flip side, our decision making is likely to improve significantly if we take the time to think a little about our decisions.

“LMGBTY please” may also serves as a good replacement for “I don’t know” as it may make us seem less dumb! We (and me for sure) could benefit from using it more often.

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What to look for in a partner

What to look for in a partner

Published October 31, 2020

Ask some youngsters how they would choose their life partners. “My girlfriend / boyfriend / fiancé / fiancée and I love the same movies / books / TV shows / music / food.” i.e. the answers tend to revolve around interests and hobbies.

Such match making could be disastrous.

Why? Because likes, interests and hobbies (can) change. The songs, movies and books we liked 10 years ago, 5 years ago and 2 years ago are not the same anymore. And 5 years down the line, not only will our tastes change, but our partner’s tastes will change as well.

Instead of trying to match likes and dislikes, what is most critical to match is values and value systems. If I’m soft spoken, value humility and honesty and have a charitable bent of mind, it is very difficult to get along with a spouse who is loud, boastful, cuts corners and is miserly. And liking the same type of action adventure movies is not a panacea for this wide gulf of a difference.

This is where some virtues of arranged marriages (advice from family/elders) and the use of astrology (to identify deep-seated character traits of an individual) can help. Not as tools to force people to marry against their will, as is commonly portrayed. But as a mechanism to ensure the ‘core’ wavelength matches, because the rest is just fluff.

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Can I lead?

Can I lead?

Published September 27, 2020

When we look at the leader of any nation – be it the President, Prime Minister or King – we expect a few traits:
– Humility and acceptance of the circumstances
– Only meritocracy, no favouritism
– Limited personal wealth, no aggrandizement
– Sole interest is the welfare of the country and its citizens

There are maybe just one or two leaders anywhere in the world today, who have these traits. And they are the ones we look up to.

Notice these are traits of leadership, not of specific people. What is the most important requirement for leadership? The key condition, is to have followers, otherwise who are we leading? 🙂

Irrespective of who we are or what we may or may not have achieved, we are all leaders, as we all have our followers. Our children look up to us, our parents look up to us, our partners look up to us, our friends look up to us, or our colleagues and direct reports look up to us. The list likely goes on and on.

What kind of leadership traits are we demonstrating to all these people around us? Do we deserve their acceptance?

An honest assessment is essential, along with corrective measures if and where applicable.

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Reaching out

Reaching out

Published September 17, 2020

How many people, from anywhere in the world, are thinking about you this very moment? Chances are, that if you are not a celebrity, then probably no one is. Or maybe one or two of your closest loved ones might be. But that too, just for a few seconds. And no one can be blamed for this apparent lack of caring either. Because lets face it, everyone is busy.

But imagine, if out of this planet of ~8 billion people, at least a few of them had us at the top of their minds. Not for anything selfish, not because they wanted something from us, but just like that, because they really cared. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Sure would. Sadly, there is no foolproof way to make others think of us. But there is one way to at least increase our odds. It is through the power of reaching out. Ever seen a dog wag its tail when his owner comes home after a long day’s work? The dog can barely contain its excitement. People love dogs chiefly because of this outstanding greeting as soon as they get back home. There are literally thousands if not millions of YouTube videos capturing exactly this moment! It can take away the troubles of an entire day. The dog cares for nothing else, except to see his owner. No ulterior motive. Just his need to make his owner feel special.

If you are at someone’s house for dinner, and go the extra mile to put your plates in the sink, or clean the table after the meal, it shows that you care. If you send a book to someone, or flowers or sweets or cook a meal, that can say a lot too. Even just jumping out of your seat to help – maybe to make tea, or pick up a towel from the floor, are small actions that can go a long way in showing those around you that you care. I was once in the audience where the speaker started coughing a bit. And then he continued to speak, and then coughed a little more. And then spoke more. Just the usual coughs, nothing out of the ordinary, and everyone continued to focus on the speaker and his presentation. But one person to my right got up and left the room. He was back 2 minutes later. Where had he gone? He had gone to get hot water for the speaker! Now that is a brilliant example of reaching out! If we truly ‘reach out’ to others, with no malice and no selfishness, their hearts will be warmed, and they will remember us forever. The secret is not in living, but in living for others.

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Game of chairs

Game of chairs

Published September 14, 2020

Intern
Analyst
Senior Analyst
Associate
Senior Associate
Assistant Vice President
Vice President
Senior Vice President
Executive Vice President
Chief Executive Officer
Managing Director
Chairman

It might take a good 40 years of one’s career to go from intern to chairman. No mean feat, by any stretch of the imagination. 40 years of pure hard work, blood, sweat, tears and then some. Not to forget, all the missed parent teacher meetings, kids parties, family outings, social gatherings etc etc etc.

All is well. As long as one remembers, the status and respect come with the chair – the seat – the title. Even just one day after retiring as Chairman, no one will look at you. No interviews, no papers to sign, no meetings to attend, no fancy office cars, or secretaries to manage your calendar. Same thing for any other role. Retiring as President of the USA? A new person has already replaced you. Ok bye-bye! Such is life.

As we live our hectic lives, it would be great to deeply acknowledge and understand this game of chairs. One legacy we can leave behind is the work we do, not the titles we hold. The best legacy to leave behind though, is to leave people feeling happy. For which ironically, no chair is required!

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Now, never, later

Now, never, later

Published August 27, 2020

A mother was extremely worried about her child. She prayed to God for him. “Oh my poor baby, he’s been having it so hard these days. He deserves so much more. And he’s so good at heart too!”, she thought to herself. The lady had just celebrated her 90th birthday, and her ‘child’, at the age of 68, was on the verge of retirement.

Granted, that parents are perennially worried about their children, and mothers more so. But to what extent is this warranted, one would ask? Especially because on the spiritual path, we are told to keep curbs on our desires and attachments. When should one start enforcing some control?

The right answer will always be ‘now’. Why now? Simple. Because ‘later’ never comes!

We were perfectly happy with our own toy cars and dolls. Until one day the neighbour’s kid showed off her bigger toy. And then we wanted that bigger toy. Then we went to school and found others with so many things we didn’t have. We lived through all that, and then wanted a good education – “top college”, we thought. Getting in wasn’t enough – we had to live up to the competition. Including getting a top job from campus placement, with the best salary. But even that wasn’t adequate, because there were others who were better. And then we started working, and a few peers started getting married and then their kids came about. “How about my own marriage? Will it ever happen?” And you kept hearing all those talks about all the kids in all the parties. Oh isn’t that a different tangent altogether? Kids kindergarten, kids nanny, kids playtime, kids this kids that. Now one would have to desire for them too! All too soon, you’re 65 and about to retire. “I’ll give my desires up soon. I’m almost at the end only. Just one last major one – once I get to see my grandson start going to school, that’ll be it. And my grand daughter too!” The 90 year old lady was going to give up her desires soon as well.

This is an endless loop. Remember, the answer is ‘now’, not later.

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How to build your network?

How to build your network?

Published August 25, 2020

Where is the center of the universe? Has the center been discovered? Is it possible to see the center through the Hubble telescope?

No, no, wrong center! The real center of the universe is we ourselves. Or rather, I, me, myself. We all live and function as though the universe and the whole world revolves around us. But we know this, right? What can we do about it, so that it benefits us?

The author of the book How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie (DC), has this to say. “People don’t care about me or you, but they care only about themselves.”

We are all looking to make friends, relationships, business partners, acquaintances, long lasting connections – you name it. But we struggle to build our networks. Why? Because we begin our efforts by focusing on ourselves. We want to let the world know who we are, what we like, what we dislike, what our talents are, what our hobbies are and in the process, we hope that the other person will recognise us for the great individuals we are, and allow us an entry into their league of awesome buddies.

All good, except that this is an effort that is being applied in reverse! As DC says, “You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming genuinely interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

If we want to make friends, we must do things for others – giving our energy, our time, our selflessness and our thoughtfulness. Here are a few things that can help!

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How can we handle criticism?

How can we handle criticism?

Published August 21, 2020

I recall a scene from when I was much younger, when our apartment was being renovated. Several labourers were involved in the painting, cementing, chipping, tiling, piping and other related activities. One chap in particular, would come late every single day. The supervisor who was overseeing this renovation project, took him to task once and asked him to be on time, as the rest of the work was being held up unnecessarily. I remember as the labourer merely smiled and listened patiently. Later the supervisor told me, all these workers are similar and smart – they just smile and stay silent. No frustration. No anger. No excuses.

Keep in mind, this worker was probably illiterate, and must have had all kinds of problems going on his personal life. Not that his professional life was much to speak of – as the daily wages in India can barely sustain hand to mouth existence. Even so, he had somehow learned to handle criticism beautifully. I’m thinking of the number of times I’ve been pulled up by my teachers or employers or even family members over the years – and can’t think of an instance when I managed to smile and listen patiently through criticism.

For most people, taking feedback or handling criticism is a very difficult process. This is especially true for the ones that are materially more successful, and that too early on in life. A daily wage earner is likely getting a verbal bashing every few hours (if not minutes) of each day – mostly from those barking orders at him. Those who have gone through tough childhoods and tough upbringings, are likely to be tough in their adulthood as well. They understand that life often does not work the way they want it to.

For those of us that have still not forgotten our boss’ or teachers’ or friends’ reprimands or criticisms, often from many years ago, we must toughen up, and let go. Surely those people have forgotten what they said. But these incidents remain imprinted in our memories, as if forever.

One way to let go, is to diversify. Have many activities, many friends, many mentors, many skills, many hobbies. It would be very difficult to annoy/destroy all of these at once. When the mind has many things to keep it busy, it will automatically stop dwelling on select instances from the past, and be less self-focused.

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Moving on

Moving on

Published July 1, 2020

Did your child criticise you today?
Did your boss reprimand you today?
Did your partner lose his/her temper at you today?
Did your parent disapprove of what you did today?
Did your colleague just put you down in front of your team?
Did your good friend just stand you up?
Did your neighbour just insult you in front of others from your locality?

It’s OK. Anyone can be wrong. Such is life. Everything is not perfect.

We can leave behind what was told today, here and now. Let us not take it with us to tomorrow. Because the person speaking to us surely is not!

Too often, our wonderful brand new sunny days start weighed down by the dark burdens of past words. But we are infinitely more than just a collection of other people’s judgements.

We must move on, mentally and emotionally. This can happen by focusing on things we love to do. Playing an instrument, learning a language, reading a book. Anything.

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The other side

The other side

Published June 14, 2020

In the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells the story of man who enters a subway train with his 2 young kids. The 2 little scoundrels were creating such a racket, but the father had just shut his eyes, seemingly oblivious to the discomfort being caused to other passengers. “What poor parenting”, is the first thought that comes to mind. The author soon realises that the man had just lost his wife to a deadly disease and that they were returning home from the hospital. What an immediate transformation in perspective!

A math teacher gave a child two chocolates and asked how many she had. The child replied “three”. The teacher was angry, only to realise later the child already had 1 chocolate in her pocket!

A supremely successful businessman I know, today seems to have life all nice and dandy. But I learned recently that his mother passed away when he was very young. A few days later, his dad passed away as well, grief struck at the loss of his best friend.

But we rarely know the ‘other’ side, isn’t it?

Dale Carnegie in his iconic bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People, says that the best (and perhaps only) way to get people to like you, is to take a genuine interest in people and to listen to them with rapt attention.

What golden and eye-opening advice! We do not need an expensive degree or a big title or a lot of money. On the contrary, following these principles, will automatically bring all of these and more.

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I’m tired of thisSo tired!

I’m tired of this

Published May 28, 2020

Scene 1: You are driving home from work. Tired. Really Really Tired. Your boss calls you. “Hey, that client presentation I asked you to finish. It’s too long. Do it again, pronto.” You reach home, and shout at the kids, scowl at the wife, eat dinner in silence and go to bed grumbling.

Scene 2: You are driving home from work. Tired. Really Really Tired. Your boss calls you. “Hey, you did really good this year, I’m considering you for a fast track promotion” You reach home, you hug the kids and the wife, take them out to a nice dinner and come back home and watch a movie.

Notice how the tiredness (something physical) vanished completely, as soon as there was something good to look forward to (something emotional)?

We think we are incapable of many things. But the reality is that we are capable of anything. More often than not though, we are not incentivised enough for going the extra mile. This prevents us from giving our best and limits our potential.

We can stay motivated and incentivized forever though, if instead of waiting for praise (that rarely comes) from others, we give ourselves a few pats on our backs. It is self-fulfilling in nature – because being happy with ourselves, will make others happy with us. And the cycle will propagate.

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IDOS – Inside Divine Outside Showtime!

IDOS – Inside Divine Outside Showtime!

Published May 25, 2020

Relationships are complicated.

Not just girlfriend-boyfriend or husband-wife. But all of them! Even boss-employee, brother-sister, brother-brother, sister-sister, and / or among colleagues, parents, siblings, friends, cousins, family members – you name it.

We may do more than our bit, and yet uncover that the other person doesn’t understand our viewpoint or is taking us for a ride. Should we never ask for a pay raise because we prefer to live frugally? Should we always complete work assignments for colleagues, filling in for their tardiness? Should we always let an employee off the hook because of a list of excuses? Should we keep on lending to a friend who’s wasteful borrowing and spending habits appear to have no end in sight?

Being the ‘good people’ – we may just accept our fate and take it on the chin every single time. But we live in a dog-eat-dog world, and we must recognise this. It is important to be nice. But more important to tread each step with common sense.

Is there a simple principle we can use? Sure is!

We can be IDOS, i.e. Inside Divine, Outside Showtime!

We can internally think nice peaceful thoughts, and not intend any malice to the other person. However, it is important to let the other person know our true feelings, while also doing some amount of theatre (aka showtime!) while at it. How else would the other person comprehend what you are going through?

Remember, only the crying baby gets the milk!

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